


In a Yellow Wood

by Oparu



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-03
Updated: 2010-09-03
Packaged: 2017-10-11 10:35:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/111497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oparu/pseuds/Oparu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Voyager was duplicated in Deadlock, the other Kathryn Janeway unintentionally survives the destruction of her ship. Rescued by her duplicate crew and forced to integrate into a universe that already has one copy of her, can she adapt? What does this mean for either Janeway's relationship with Chakotay?</p><p>Carries through to Resolutions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The greenish hue to the flames pouring out of the wall near junction twenty-nine meant plasma fire. B'Elanna's eyes flew over the wall nearby. If _Voyager_ hadn't been a trashed mess of conduits and smoking wall panels, she might have been able to find the extinguisher. As it was, for all the time it took her mind to run through the possibilities, all she had time to physically do was grab the arm on the floor and pull.

She wrapped her fingers tightly around the familiar fabric of a Starfleet uniform and the delicate wrist beneath it and tugged. When she could see the shoulder, even with the smoke billowing around them, she slipped her hand into armpit and found the downed woman's neck with her other hand. Cupping it carefully, B'Elanna dug her own feet into the floor and pulled back out of the smoke. The acrid black stung her eyes, and behind it, all she could see was the green.

The woman's hair brushed her fingers, and a final yank got them both free and around the corner. Praying that whoever it was wasn't seriously hurt, or worse, she dragged them around the bulkhead to safety. When she collapsed against the wall, the slight body, no larger than her own, fell against her. Cradling the woman's head in her hands, she looked down and inhaled sharply.

Blood coated the left side of the captain's face. The brilliant red was coated with black, and speckles of dust and smoke were stuck to the sweat on the undamaged side of her face. Janeway should have been safely on the temporary bridge in main Engineering. Checking her pulse, B'Elanna sagged a little in relief. It was strong and steady beneath her fingers, and she only had to worry about internal injuries or what was behind the nasty-looking cut in the captain's hairline.

"What happened?" The deep voice was as much a relief as the captain's pulse had been.

"Plasma conduit," B'Elanna explained. Licking her lips tasted of smoke, and she wanted to spit to clear the taste. She rubbed her mouth on her hand instead and smelt blood. "I don't know what happened. I thought she was in engineering."

"As did I," Tuvok said, emerging from the corridor opposite the fire. He carefully ran his hands down the captain's spine. "She may have been thrown into a support beam. I cannot find a spinal injury. I will take her to sickbay."

B'Elanna held the captain's head still while he shifted his weight back and prepared to lift her up into his arms. "I'd go to holodeck two. We're still trying to get the turbolifts to go up all the way to deck five."

"Thank you." He lifted the captain in one smooth motion as if she weighed nothing at all.

Staring at the unconscious captain in Tuvok's arms, she must have been gaping. It was logical of course. The transporters were still out, and the captain had to get to sickbay somehow, but he'd picked her up like she weighed little.

"She is not seriously hurt, Lieutenant. There is no need for concern."

B'Elanna watched him thoughtfully. She must have looked a wreck if he was comforting her. He shifted the captain's weight and held her close to his chest. The captain was safe and B'Elanna had a ship to fix. "I'll keep that in mind."   


* * *

In the triage unit in the holodeck, Tom finished healing the plasma burns on Ensign Lang's right leg and patted her shoulder. "Looks almost as good as the other one, if I do say so myself. I'm afraid I can't do anything about the uniform though."

She favoured him with a grin and ran her fingers delicately over the new pink skin on her calf. "Next time I'll let you autograph it," she replied, moving it down to the deck to try her weight.

"I'm going to hold you to that," he said, smiling back. He had several more patients to see, but they'd stopped coming and he was finally starting to make progress. He could take the time to heal them all the way, instead of just triaging. It was better when he could actually put people whole before they left.

"Lieutenant," Tuvok's voice cut through. The Vulcan strode over to the bed, an unconscious woman Tom couldn't help worrying was the captain in his arms. He made a point to know these things about the women on board, and red hair and a red uniform narrowed it down to a handful.

Ensign Lang immediately left the cot and stood at his side, waiting to help ease the captain down. Between Tom's hands and Lang's, the captain's head and shoulders were well supported as Tuvok laid her down. Her hair tumbled free in an auburn mess. He'd forgotten how long it was. The left side of her face was coated with blood and the cut was buried in her hair.

Ensign Lang lifted the captain's hands and folded them neatly on her stomach before she left without a word.

Tom grabbed the medical tricorder and began his scan. "What happened?"

"Lieutenant Torres found her on deck fifteen near a damaged plasma conduit."

"Are any of our conduits not damaged?" Tom asked.

"There are several intact," Tuok replied curtly. "However, I believe it is a safe assumption that the majority are damaged in some way."

The medical tricorder constructed the captain's bioreadings and beeped. Rib fractures, a few minor internal injuries, a nasty contusion on her left arm: all of it wasn't life threatening. The concussion, however, would be a problem. Beneath the seeping cut in her hair, the captain's brain was starting to swell, and it was going to be a little harder to fix than the bruises.

"She has a concussion," he reported to Tuvok, who'd remained. "And some rib fractures, nothing life threatening. I'm going to have to treat the swelling in her skull right away, but the good news is that we don't have to rush her to the real Doctor. Seems the captain isn't more stubborn than a bulkhead after all."

Tuvok stayed, still hovering over the captain. "I am sure she will be pleased that you keep track of such things, Lieutenant."

Tom beamed. Smiling at Tuvok was more fun because he'd never smile back. The Vulcan's sarcasm meant _Voyager_ was returning to normal. He grabbed a sub-dermal tissue regenerator and sub-dermal probe He'd need to stop the tiny bleed inside her brain before it became anything dangerous, then he'd have to convince the tissues to stop fighting to claim the limited space in her skull. It was easy. He'd done it before. The Doctor had the much more difficult work of two spinal cords to repair in sickbay and the nerves in Crewman Doyle's hand to regenerate.

With the tricorder to guide him, Tom began to slowly work on healing the damaged blood vessels in the captain's brain. Acutely aware that he was working on what was possibly the most important component of the ship, he reminded himself to calm. Take it slow.

"After I stop the swelling in her brain, the captain can berate me for my sense of humour personally." Joking made it easier to concentrate. Tom switched to the regenerator and watched the blood disappear. His hands were steady, but his stomach was knotted. The fragile blood vessels would take awhile to heal, and he had to make sure each one of them was perfect.

"I believe the captain will be more concerned with the repairs than with the inappropriate nature of your sense of humour."

Tom chuckled and finished with two tiny veins. "Depends on how hard she hit her head, doesn't it?"

Tuvok's glare was the Vulcan equivalent of a pat on the shoulder. Satisfied that the captain would mend, he nodded and left Tom to his work. With the blood vessels all intact, he turned his attention to the gray matter. Even, steady strokes of the sub-dermal regenerator and careful application of a synaptic stimulator slowed the swelling to a crawl. She'd sleep for hours and probably have a hell of a headache, but she'd be all right.

His fingers were cramped and his right leg was numb. He'd been sitting half-crouched to treat her. The holodeck was far from as comfortable as sickbay. Stretching his fingers, Tom used one of the hand-held sonic cleansers to clean the blood from her cheek. As the device hummed the blood away, he finally got down to the cut and regenerated the skin back together.

Staring down at the captain's unconscious face, he contemplated a loose lock of her hair. He could move it aside, away from her face. He'd never do it when she was awake, or even with anyone watching, but it bothered him that it was there. In the end, Tom left it. It wasn't his place.   


* * *

"I don't see why coffee isn't an emergency ration," Janeway mused, drinking the lukewarm water with a grimace. "If I designed the ration packs, it would be."

"Then you'd be complaining about how terrible it tasted," Chakotay reminded her lightly. He'd been making an effort to make sure morale stayed up, especially hers. Their brush with disaster had been intimately close this time. They had Harry and the baby back, but for a time, both had been lost. He couldn't forget, and he knew she couldn't either.

For the moment, she was single-mindedly repairing the ship. The cut on her cheek wanted healing, and he could tell from the way she was favouring her left hip when she walked that Janeway had more than a few bruises from being thrown to the deck.

"When we get the replicator working, the first cup of coffee will be yours. My treat."

She passed him the pouch of water, rubbing her mouth with the back of her hand. The water smeared the dirt on her face, but it only made her look more determined. "I'll hold you to that, Chakotay. Promises about coffee are not something I take lightly."

He nodded his understanding and returned her smile. Her eyes were still exhausted, worn with the thought that she'd held all of their lives in her hands just a few hours ago. Chakotay understood her reasons. If one _Voyager_ lived, and one version of him went on with his life, he would have been honoured to die for that other man and the rest of his crew. He liked to think of the universe as a fluid place: somewhere that would reconcile the two _Voyager_s in what came after.

Janeway may not have agreed with him. The sacrifice of the other crew weighed on her as heavily as her decision to sacrifice their own crew had. She was shaken, and that was why she was here, working on the shield grid, instead of on her temporary bridge. B'Elanna might appreciate not having her captain there to look over her shoulder, but their crew would miss her soon.

"How long will it take you to repair the shield grid?" he asked calmly. It was a simple question he could have easily guessed the answer to with a scan of her work, but he wanted her to reply. She lowered her head, keeping her eyes on her work. She wasn't ready to face her crew, and they both danced neatly around the question.

"A few more hours should have the navigational deflector back on," Janeway answered. She didn't raise her head from the panel, and he sat down next to her. A few hours was more time than he anticipated, and most likely more time than either of them could allow. If she'd needed less time to come back to herself on her own, he could have let her, but _Voyager_ was heavily damaged, over a third of the crew was recovering from injuries suffered from the proton bursts, and both of them needed their captain to heal.

He tore open one of the rations packs. Protein substitute and stewed tomato wasn't his favourite, but it was one of the better vegetarian options. Torn between the convenience of a fork and just eating it with his fingers, Chakotay wiped his mildly dirty hand on his dusty uniform and gave in. He'd had worse.

Janeway kept working, ignoring him for the moment. That was to be expected. It would take her awhile to realise he was still here, and awhile after that to realise how long he intended to be there. He'd been a far less patient man before he'd met her. Chakotay had been just patient enough to wait out the enemy because that was the only good thing that seemed to come from patience. That was until he'd met her and slowly learned that waiting could have unimaginable rewards. There was that smile, if he waited for her to show it, and there were the rare moments she dropped her guard. Even her shields grew heavy, and if he forced her to hold them up long enough, she'd have to lay them down.

The laser sealer hummed, repairing circuits one at a time in her skilled hands. She traded it for a microspanner, and the high-pitched whine filled the room three times before Janeway gave up. She set the tool down hard and looked at him. There was no accusation in her face, only a soft acceptance. Exhaustion was set into the skin around her eyes, and dark circles were forming beneath the dirt. "Lunch?" she wondered.

"Dinner," he corrected, taking a bite. "Late dinner, at that."

Janeway glanced towards the chronometer that should have been working on the computer panel. It was out. She turned her eyes back to him. "Not late enough for an early breakfast?" Sitting up slowly, she rested her hands on her knees and stared at her battered knuckles. When she flipped over her palms, they were just as bad. Tiny cuts were surrounded by ash and the dark dust of a wounded starship. His hands were nearly pristine in comparison.

"Here," he offered, holding out a tomato between two relatively clean fingers. "When did you eat last?"

She reached for it with grey fingertips and stopped. She scooted closer on the floor, within reach. Her mouth was close enough for him to feed her, and out of necessity, Janeway allowed it. She took the tomato from his fingers and chewed. "In the Alpha Quandrant," she replied with a smirk. "Now that I think about it. We had a great send off dinner at Starfleet Headquarters. San Francisco can always be counted on for seafood, and one of the chefs did something extraordinary with swordfish and mango chutney."

"I wonder if Kes could grow mangos in the hydroponics bay." Setting down the packet of food, Chakotay looked for a sonic cleanser for her hands.

Her soft smile was achingly beautiful, even with the blood on her cheek. She glanced at her hands and stopped his search. "I'll just get them dirty again, Chakotay, don't bother."

Smiling back at her came without effort. Perhaps he'd needed the conversation with her to raise his own spirits as much as hers. Carefully feeding her a piece of mushroom, he watched her lips just miss touching his fingers. He could feel the warmth of her breath before she sat back.

"Mangos are a good idea," she mused after she'd swallowed. "I'm sure Neelix could find a few things to do with them that didn't involve roots or tubers that might actually be enjoyable." She dropped her head for a moment, sinking dirty fingers into the hair along her hairline. It was still tumbling out of the bun on the back of her head, but she hadn't taken the time to fix it.

"If the hydroponics bay even survived the proton bursts." The grim look returned to her eyes. "I keep thinking about that other ship. That other crew."

The other version of herself went unmentioned, but she was written across his Janeway's face. He didn't know what to say to ease that pain. Did they need to grieve for subspace duplicates? Did it matter where they came from? He felt something for his duplicate, a strange sense of compassion but Chakotay was at a loss for what it was.

"There but for the grace of God..." she murmured, staring past him towards the darkened computer terminals on the wall. "I would have done it."

"I know."

"It was the right thing to do," she said, searching for conviction. Janeway's voice was steady, but her hands wouldn't hold still. "Save one ship at the cost of the weakened one. Get one crew home. Harry is still Harry. The baby's identical to the other baby. Interchangeable. If they got home, we'd get home with them. I have to believe that."

He nodded, holding up another piece of tomato to see if she'd take it. It took a moment or two for her to find his hand. Her thoughts were light years away. "You could let the other crew carry us home. I doubt any of the crew's families would have noticed that a subspace duplicate came home instead of the real one."

"Maybe we're the duplicates," she observed. She nudged a piece of tomato into her mouth from her lips with the back of her hand. "Maybe it doesn't matter. Harry died, and he's down in Engineering. They died, and we live."

"She died," he pressed. Other than Kes, Janeway was the only one to meet her duplicate, and Kes seemed to be taking it better. Then again, Kes wasn't the captain. It hadn't been Kes's duplicate that had been charged with that untenable decision.

"She gave her life for my crew. Her crew gave all their lives for ours." Janeway shook her head. Her elbow balanced on her knee, and she rested her cheek on her hand. "That's a hell of a bargain, Chakotay."

"Forgive me if I get the science wrong," he began, trying to remember what he'd once heard in a spatial theory class, a lifetime ago. "Each choice we make diverges, and though we only see the outcome of one, some version of us finds another path. So everything that can happen, does, in a thousand timelines across different universes."

"Crude," she smirked, "but accurate."

"So somewhere out there, I've died a thousand times, but I must be happy as many times. Maybe even married." He held his smile until she matched it.

"It does sound like an adventure, doesn't it?" she said thoughtfully. "Marriage, I mean. If we were back on Earth, I guess I'd have found out." That look flew across her face. There was a special pain for Mark that she tried to bury as much as she could. At first it had been sharp, but over the last year it had began to dull and soften. "According to your theory, it seems at least one of me did."

"Perhaps so." Chakotay remained next to her. He had repairs to go over with Tuvok and several injured crew to speak with. Reassuring the captain had to come first. They all needed her. The pain in her eyes was still palpably there, and he had to chase it away.

He brushed his hands clean and tucked the empty wrapper away into the case of the emergency rations. Taking a sip of the water, he held it out to her again, and she accepted it gratefully. "I don't know when I'm going to have the time, but when I do, I'm going to pray for the other _Voyager_. I intend to ask the spirits to help them find peace."

Her gaze dropped to the deck; the water pouch hung loosely in her hand. Kathryn's face was haunted when she looked up, but she made no effort to hide it. He'd broken through to her. Chakotay had suspected she needed to know she wasn't the only one who would grieve that only ship. Even if they'd only been a schism in subspace, they were real.

"That sounds appropriate," she agreed. Her right hand reached for his wrist, holding it tightly. Warm and smooth, her dirty thumb traced a slow track on the back of his arm. "Any kind of memorial service would be too morbid, wouldn't it? Yet...we can't just pretend they weren't here."

"I'd like to think the other me would have done it for us," he answered gently. In a roundabout way, Chakotay was comforted by that. If they had died to save the other ship, they would have died so their family could continue home. "You're welcome to join me." When either of them could take the time for a ritual, they'd both probably be so dead on their feet they'd be nearly asleep.

The hand on his wrist tightened before she let go. Kathryn stopped herself before she took his hand and her filthy one hovered over the back of his. "I'd like that," she said softly. "I don't know if I can say I've known her a day or all my life, but I'd like a chance to say goodbye."

Slipping his hand out from beneath hers, he squeezed her shoulder. She could certainly blame the lingering acrid smoke in the air for the brightness in her eyes. The left threatened to overflow first, and she brushed it quickly with the back of her sleeve. "Thank you for the dinner," she dismissed him with a soft little smile. "I'll see you when I get back down to my temporary bridge."

Chakotay raised an eyebrow in response to the smirk playing around her lips. "B'Elanna might start to get touchy if you don't occasionally refer to it as Engineering."

The smirk became a full smile. "I'll try to keep that in mind, Commander."

Watching the light return to her face, he got to his feet. "I'll see you on the bridge, Captain."   


* * *

The corridors were still too cluttered for anti-gravity stretchers. As the ship returned to normal and the number of wounded decreased, the patients still requiring treatment trickled into sickbay from holodeck two and the mess hall. Many of the wounded were starting to recover, and Ensign Kyoto even had a smile for her as they brought her in. The nasty plasma burns on her legs were healing, and she'd be fine. Kes touched her shoulder, thanking her for the smile.

The beds in sickbay were full, and several of the injured were still on the floor. It was an improvement from when they covered the floor, and the mood was lighter now. Everyone was fascinated with the baby. When she cooed or cried, heads were turned towards her. Perhaps the ship had needed a child. _Voyager_'s community had hope for the future now, and the baby had given them that hope.

When they carried the captain in from holodeck two, the new optimism faded into silence. She was still unconscious, her uniform stained with soot and blood. Tom's report had a positive prognosis, and Kes's tricorder scan reported the swelling of the captain's brain was diminishing. Looking up from the tricorder with the best smile she could muster, she met the gazes all around her. "She's all right. Just a concussion. She'll be fine."

The two crewmen carrying her stretcher set her down a blanket on the floor and covered her with another. Kes spent a moment over her, scanning her again just to be sure. The captain's eyes were closed, and the blood on her uniform had dried. It would only be a matter of time before she regained consciousness, and the crew would feel better. For now, Kes could thank them for all that they were doing.

The Doctor was performing a delicate restructuring of Crewman Porter's intestines. Internal injuries were often the most trying, and he'd been hard at work for the last hour. He would check on the captain as well when he was done. Kes refit the bioplast on Lieutenant Russell's thigh, checked three healed rib fractures on Ensign Scharr's left side, and monitored the regrowth of tissues on Lieutenant Hargrove's hand.

Ensign Scharr was being released when Commander Chakotay arrived. Kes had expected him earlier. He usually made the rounds after any major disaster aboard ship. He had once told her that part of the first officer's duties were to see to all of the crew. If being injured had been emotionally traumatic for them, he had to be the first one to know. He also liked them to know everything they'd sacrificed for the ship was appreciated.

Chakotay carried his optimism into sickbay like a light. He spoke with Ensign Wildman, then moved in a slow circle around the room. She had expected to see him sooner. The captain was rarely in sickbay long before he appeared. He touched Kes's shoulder as he passed, almost as if he wasn't looking for the captain. He stopped short, taking a moment to realise who they were looking down at.

He knelt immediately, reaching out for her hand. Shock made him stiff, and his fingers wrapped slowly around her hand, holding it tightly in his. "What happened?" he asked, studying the captain's hands. Something about them surprised him almost as much as finding her in sickbay.

"Tom's report says B'Elanna found her after a plasma conduit exploded," Kes explained. Resting her hand on his shoulder, she realised she was imitating him. Chakotay would reassure an officer by touching them, or smiling. The captain would do something similar. Now the commander was upset, and she could calm him. "Tuvok carried her to holodeck two, where Tom repaired her injuries. She had a concussion, mild plasma burns and a several bruises. We're monitoring her brain, and she should regain consciousness soon."

"Did the plasma conduit explode near the shield grid?"

Kes frowned and had to shake her head. "I don't think so. Most of the injuries related to plasma fires have been coming from the lower decks, fourteen and fifteen."

Chakotay reached up for her hair. The dried blood was crusted into the captain's beautiful hair, and when she had a chance, Kes meant to clean it. He rolled part of it between his fingers, letting the blood turn to dust. His other hand still held hers, longer than she'd ever seen him stay in contact with anyone.

"Thank you," he turned to Kes, releasing the captain's hand and returning to his feet. "Let me know when she regains consciousness. I'm sure she'll want to ask what happened every moment she's been out."

"Of course, Commander," she replied, glancing back down at the captain. "She'll be in good hands with the Doctor."

"And you," he added. His proud smile brought warmth to her chest.

Kes watched him turn to go and put her mind back on her work. It would be several hours before sickbay was quiet again, and the Doctor would need her help.

Chakotay was halfway to the door when he turned sharply on his heel and returned to her. "I know this may seem an odd question, but did you clean her hands?"

"I did not," Kes answered, shaking her head. "I've been meaning to clean her hair, but I haven't found the time for it. Is there a problem?" The captain's hands weren't dirty, and she didn't understand why he was asking, but Chakotay's curiosity had definitely been aroused. She could feel his uncertainty and interest. There was a mystery, but she didn't know what it was.   


* * *

"Get those injectors locked down," B'Elanna shouted over the hiss of spitting coolant. She jogged down the catwalk towards Harry, sealer in hand. As he tried to lock the injectors into the right rate of flow, she worked over him, sealing the conduit. The metallic scent of coolant left the air, and the rush of nearly frozen particles past his face stopped. B'Elanna slipped away, standing up to use the console. As he finished reprogramming the plasma injectors, she coaxed the temperamental power grid into responding.

Beneath them, the warp core began to glow faintly as it started to power back up. It would still be nearly a day before they had full power, but the ship was close to having a heartbeat again. B'Elanna rested her hands victoriously on the rail and sighed heavily.

"That was close."

"A lot of things have been," he replied. "It's just been one of those days."

B'Elanna dropped to her elbows, lowering her head for a moment. "Tell me about it. I haven't said anything. We've been so busy. When I was down on deck fifteen, I found the captain injured. Plasma conduit exploded and threw her into a bulkhead. There was blood all down her face. Tuvok brought her down to Tom in the holodeck."

Harry's stomach froze into a cold knot. He couldn't imagine finding the captain that way. The strange feeling that he didn't belong reared again and sent the ice radiating outward from his stomach. The injured captain wasn't his. The Captain Janeway from his reality had ordered him to get the baby and leave his post just before she'd died: before his entire crew had died. Except him. "Is she all right?" This Janeway was his captain now.

"I'm sure she'll be fine, Harry," B'Elanna promised him. She sank down to the deck next to him, leaning against the wall. It had been hours since he'd arrived on this damaged _Voyager_. They'd already been working for hours just to keep their ship intact, and the repairs were exhausting. He couldn't imagine how tired she was, because he'd arrived late in the crisis, and he was exhausted. "Tom's a better medic than he likes anyone to know, and Tuvok said it was a concussion."

He smiled over at her, trying to get her to smile back. "Well, we all have hard heads on _Voyager_."

"Some harder than others," B'Elanna agreed. She stared at him for a moment, almost as if she could see through him. "Do you think about the other ship? The one you came from?" She looked down at her hands then out into engineering, away from his face. "I keep thinking about the captain and her duplicate. What it must have been like to see her, and talk to her. I saw mine for a moment through the comm signal and she was me...but she wasn't."

"And I'm Harry...and I'm not."

Something dark flew over B'Elanna's face, and it hovered just behind her eyes. "I watched you die, Harry," she said simply. "The other you, I mean. The hull breach opened beneath him…and he just vanished into space."

"I'm sorry." Stupid answer, but it was the first thing that popped into his head.

Harry followed her gaze across engineering towards the weakly glowing warp core. Some other him had died.

"The other you died right after I stepped through the rift, along with everyone else. Maybe she was right…" He was grasping at straws, but clutching at anything made him feel better. Perhaps it was because it was the last thing she'd said, or because he naively wanted to think the universe was fair.

B'Elanna looked at him in confusion. "Who?"

"My- the other- Captain Janeway. If one of me lives, one of baby Wildman, one of you, one of everyone else...it's only fair."

"Having two of anyone would be cheating?" she asked, part of a smile returning to her face. "Wow, Harry. You've made a subspace rift into a dishonest pool shark." B'Elanna stood, reaching down a strong arm to drag him up as well. "Come on, if we can patch three dozen conduits, we might be able to get impulse back online before we collapse from exhaustion."

Following her to the ladder, Harry climbed down. Chakotay and some of the engineers had their outer jackets off and were clearing the fallen beams out of the way, and engineering was starting to be workable again. It was still overcrowded because the bridge officers had to keep the ship running from jury-rigged consoles. Tuvok stood at one, diligently reprogramming something important. Engineers flitted around like so many gold and black bees, desperate to repair their hive. The sound of boots on the deck and the gentle beeps of hands inputting commands. The klaxxons had died away and _Voyager_ was starting to hum again like a living ship.

The big double doors opened and shut, admitting Captain Janeway into the hive of activity. She acknowledged the first two crewmen who saw her and headed for Tuvok at his console. She hadn't seen him and B'Elanna, but the engineering crew was gaping at her in shock.

"Maybe it wasn't as bad as it looked," Harry volunteered to B'Elanna, but his thought fell on deaf ears. She was staring, and she wasn't the only one. Chakotay set down one end of a beam and took a few steps towards the captain with wonder sketched on his face.

"She didn't have that cut," B'Elanna muttered, and she may not have been aware she had uttered the thought aloud.

"She did," Harry offered, trying to be helpful. The mark on this Janeway's face had been there since he'd first seen her on his _Voyager_'s bridge. The ugly cut had dried and was surrounded by dirt. It was obviously a few hours old. "If she was in sickbay, why didn't Tom–"

B'Elanna covered the distance between the base of the ladder and the centre of engineering in a few short seconds. Harry followed her, just in time to hear Tuvok express his confusion.

"Your concussion was quite severe. I did not expect you back on your feet until tomorrow at the earliest."

"That plasma conduit exploded," B'Elanna added. She was confused enough to almost be angry at the universe. "And there was a fire."

Janeway's uniform was dirty, but it wasn't blackened by soot. The captain put her hands on her hips and stared at them all. "The cut on my cheek is a scratch, and I have no idea what any of you are talking about. There was no explosion, at least not one I was anywhere near. I have no concussion. Go ahead and scan me if you don't believe me."

Chakotay had been quiet, and Harry had almost forgotten he was there. The first officer reached out and lifted one of Janeway's hands from her hips. He turned it over, studying the dirt and soot that coated the captain's skin. Her hands were nearly grey with it. "Your hands are still dirty."

"Of course they are," Janeway snapped. She tugged her hand back and stopped herself before she ran it over her forehead and left a mark. "I haven't had time to clean them."

"In sickbay, they were clean," Chakotay concluded, meeting first Tuvok, then B'Elanna's eyes.

The engineer shook her head. "I don't remember."

Tuvok nodded crisply. "My memory suggests you are correct, Commander. The captain in sickbay's hands were clean."

"What captain in sickbay?" Janeway asked, steadily growing more frustrated. Her confusion gave her an aura of energy Harry did not want to provoke. "What are you talking about? I haven't been to sickbay. I was in engineering, then shield control, then a corridor on deck twelve. The computer can confirm my movements if you need it to. If this is some kind of joke, I don't need to tell you this is not the time." The captain's eyes were starting to flash with anger, and her face was set.

"Computer," Chakotay called.

"Voice interface is still down," B'Elanna interjected. She stepped over some debris and tapped a console. Harry caught himself holding his breath and forced himself to breathe with a wince.

"According to the computer," B'Elanna reported, "Captain Janeway is in main engineering."

"Thank you," the captain snapped, rolling her eyes. "Now do–"

"And sickbay." B'Elanna interrupted. Her voice was shocked whisper and her eyes were wide. "That can't be…"

Chakotay leaned over her shoulder, reading the display with a second pair of eyes. "The computer has two biosigns for Captain Janeway. One in main engineering and one in sickbay."

"That would explain why this captain's injuries differ," Tuvok agreed, finding a logical thread. "And why her hands are still soiled."

"Two biosigns!" the captain demanded, pushing her way closer to the console. B'Elanna backed up but Chakotay remained. They looked it over together, and the captain's head whirled to meet the commander's gaze. "How is this possible?"

"I just saw you – the other you – in sickbay. She has a serious head injury–"

"–from an explosion in a plasma conduit," B'Elanna interrupted, filling the captain in. "I found you – her – on deck fifteen."

"Deck fifteen, section twenty-nine," Tuvok clarified.

The captain's face fell. She dropped her head and stared down at her own scuffed boots. Something had shaken her enough that Chakotay reached for her arm, keeping her from swaying in surprise. "Right next to the spatial rupture."

"It is possible," Chakotay replied, taking a step closer to her. "We don't know what happened in the last few minutes over there."

Harry did know, a little, and he cleared his throat to get their attention. "Captain Janeway – my Captain Janeway," he clarified, "was on the bridge. She ordered me to get the baby and cross the rift right before she'd ordered the self-destruct."

"Leaving her more than five minutes to somehow end up down on deck fifteen. Commander…" Janeway's face was frozen, and whatever she was thinking, however mind-wrenching it was, it was buried behind her captain's mask.

"We'll be in sickbay," Chakotay finished for her. Janeway turned abruptly and walked so quickly that Chakotay nearly had to jog to catch up.

Harry, B'Elanna and Tuvok watched them go, and Harry shivered, as if a shard of ice had run along his spine.

B'Elanna watched the doors shut then turned to him. "Could she have followed you down?"

Harry shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest. "There were Vidiians all over the ship."

"It is possible the duplicate Captain Janeway was attempting to hide the rift from the Vidiians," Tuvok conjectured. He was calm, of course, but Harry was starting to know him well enough to sense how shaken they all were.

"And got blown through to our side?" B'Elanna's question made them all pause. Looking from one to the other, none of them could answer.

"That's not fair–" Harry stopped himself, but after a moment he finished. "I suppose no one said the universe was fair."

"Fairness does not factor into the structure of the universe," Tuvok agreed. "It can, in fact, be a very harsh existence that defies both logic and reason."

"Tuvok means it's not fair," B'Elanna concluded. "He's just saying it in a Vulcan as if that makes it any better. If there really is another Captain Janeway..."

None of them, even Tuvok, had anything else to say.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

Pacing back and forth from one side of the turbolift to the other, Kathryn couldn't look at Chakotay for more than a second or two without her stomach leaping into her throat. He'd seen her, that other her. She'd survived the heroic sacrifice that had taken her ship and crew. Without _Voyager_, trapped in a universe that already had her- the supposedly-real her- what would she do? What could she do? She already existed, and this Kathryn in sickbay was redundant. How could she possibly cope with that? What was she without her crew?

Kathryn started when the doors hissed open. She hadn't been ready for them and she nearly jumped. Chakotay's hand brushed her shoulder, trying to calm her, but she stiffened even further. "Sorry," she muttered weakly. "I'm a little unsettled."

"She's you." His hand left her shoulder and he followed her out of the turbolift. "I think you're allowed to be unsettled. It's not every day we discover we have a twin."

She didn't have to tell him how complicated it was going to be if the duplicate remained. There was no reason to think Harry Kim or the baby were about to disappear. This Janeway was here to stay and they would have to find a way to get her home, just like the rest of them. Home...and then what? Would they share Mark? Did she have a greater claim to him because he was hers? If they were duplicated at the same moment, and had shared the same path up to that point, who could say who was the original and who was the duplicate? If there was no way of knowing, did it even matter?

Her feet kept walking without her paying attention to the path they took and they had brought her all the way to the doors leading in to sickbay. With Chakotay at her side, she strode through. A few crewmembers were still convalescing and most of them didn't notice her presence. On the bed closest to the door, Ensign Wildman held her baby. The infant seemed to be asleep, and Samantha looked so peaceful. The duplicate ship had given them two incredible gifts in Harry and the baby.

"Oh hello Commander," Kes saw Chakotay first and smiled at him. Her gaze trailed off him onto-- "Captain--" Kes' face went white as she saw her. Kes had seen her own double, even been on the other ship. She understood immediately.

The Doctor took a moment longer to realise what had occurred. He set down his hypospray and looked the captain over before checking his other patient. Lying on the floor next to the biobed was the other her. The Doctor grabbed a dermal regenerator as she approached. "Captain."

"Is she...?" Kathryn could barely finish the thought. "She's from the other ship."

"So it would appear." The Doctor. He grabbed her chin and began unceremoniously treating the cut on her cheek.

Kathryn turned her head away, trying to get a better look at herself. It was her. Her uniform was covered in soot, and blood stained the left shoulder.

"She arrived with a concussion, numerous contusions and five fractured ribs. Mr. Paris treated her injuries adequately and she will recover."

Kathryn knew what she'd want. "Wake her."

Chakotay's eyes were on her. Everyone else in sickbay was starting to look. She crouched down, putting herself between the other Janeway and the eyes of the crew. Kathryn wasn't sure what she felt. Sympathy for the woman who had lost her ship? A sense of violation at being duplicated?

If the Doctor had better social skills, he might have responded to the death glare she gave him. "I'd rather she slept. She had a serious concussion."

"Doctor, unless it will cause lasting brain damage, I want her awake. Now."

The Doctor left the other captain's side and returned with a hypospray. Without a word, he set it against the duplicate's neck and woke her. It took a moment and Kathryn held her breath. The other her, stirred, blinking her eyes slowly. She started lifting her hand towards her head and Kathryn caught it. The fingers that wrapped around hers were completely identical, except for the dirt on her own.

"Captain," the other woman whispered. She blinked again, trying to clear her eyes. It had to be hard to believe what she was seeing. Was her vision blurry?

What was she supposed to say? What would she want to hear? Kathryn had no idea how to calm her duplicate or how the hell she was supposed to explain that she was trapped on the wrong ship.

"You're all right," Kathryn said, no matter what she said, it wouldn't be enough. "You're on my ship."

The other captain swallowed and Kathryn recognised pain in her face.

"Again."

The Doctor began to scan the duplicate, checking her head injury. When he started to speak, Kathryn waved him off. "Give us a moment, please."

"My ship?" the duplicate's eyebrows narrowed in desperation. She started to lift her head and winced in pain. Shutting her eyes, the captain reopened them with tears in the corners. "The Vidiians?"

"The Vidiians were destroyed," Kathryn reassured her, surprised by how much her heart ached for the other woman. "Your crew's sacrifice saved us. We owe you all our lives."

Her head fell to the the side, and her voice was soft enough Kathryn had to lean closer to hear her.

"You would have done the same," the duplicate whispered. "Quite nearly did." She closed her eyes again. "I don't remember how I--"

Kathryn kept the duplicate's hand locked in hers. She'd always been terrible at reassuring herself, but maybe this was different. "We found you on deck fifteen," she began. "We think you were thrown through the rift when a plasma conduit exploded." Smiling a little eased some of the tension in her chest. "I'm afraid things are still pretty chaotic on this side. We had a case of mistaken identity for awhile."

The other her smiled back weakly. "We followed Harry. Chakotay and I...we thought the Vidiians might... I'm not here to take your ship, captain." Her chin trembled a little as she tried to find the humour in the situation. "I think I have an idea what _Voyager_ means to you."

Watching herself struggle on the verge of tears, Kathryn reached down and touched the other woman's cheek. Her fingers left behind a grey smear of dirt, but the contact stilled her duplicate's grief for the moment. She had to get her out of sickbay. The poor woman had just lost her ship and her family. She couldn't be expected to stay in sickbay, exposed to everyone's curiosity.

"I'll be back in a moment," Kathryn promised her duplicate. To her relief, Chakotay knelt down and took her place. She hated thinking of her being alone.

She tracked down the Doctor in his office. He had several things open on his computer but he looked up for her.

"Can she be released?"

"There's nothing wrong with her aside from a nasty headache and some tenderness along her ribs," the Doctor explained, getting to his feet. "There's still a phase shift in her DNA, but it won't cause her any problems that I'm aware of. Medically she's your identical twin and I assume she'll be just as stubborn of a patient."

Putting her hands on her hips, Kathryn didn't bother to defend either of them. Of course they were stubborn. "This phase shift, will it cause any problems over the long term?"

The Doctor circled his desk and attacked the cut on her face with the dermal regenerator again. This time she allowed him and held still as he spoke. "The phase shift will mark the duplicate captain, Harry Kim and the Wildman baby as having come from another universe, but none of the three will suffer for it. A less thorough medical officer would not be able to distinguish them from anyone else on board."

"So you'll release the-" she corrected herself, she, Kathryn was the captain. "My duplicate."

"Someone will need to remain with her, in case there are any complications of the head injury, which is a remote, but potentially life threatening, possibility." When he finished with her cheek, the Doctor picked up a medical tricorder and scanned down her chest. "If you decide you would like your bruises treated, return to sickbay. Otherwise, you're both in good health. You may go."

Kathryn smirked at him, caught somewhere between amusement and the other more difficult emotions lodged in her gut. "Thank you, Doctor."

Chakotay caught her outside the Doctor's office and walked with her silently back towards the medical supply room. "She's you, Captain," he said, keeping his voice low.

"According to the Doctor we're identical." Wrapping her fingers into a fist, she rested her elbow on her hand. "Except I'm covered in bruises and dirt and she's lost her crew. The Doctor's willing to release her from sickbay, but someone has to stay with her. I can't just ask one of the junior officers, or even Kes. If she's anything like me, having someone hover over her is the last thing she'd want but I can't just leave her here."

The warmth of his hand on her shoulder was enough to make her down tears a distinct possibility. "Let me take her to your quarters, or even my own. I've had some experience with her, and I know grief. Maybe I can help her."

"She's lost her entire crew, her ship." Kathryn met his eyes wondered if he could see through her as well as she feared. "She's supposed to be dead." The last statement tumbled out of her mouth, escaping her better judgement.

"Our ship and crew are recovering," he said, squeezing her shoulder in reassurance. "Let me take care of our guest. She'll need someone to talk to and I've become a pretty good listener over the last year we've been out here."

"Chakotay." Kathryn shook her head slowly. "She expected to be dead. She- I would want to be dead. The captain goes down with the ship." Her throat was tight and she was breathing through a sandstorm. Through the walls of the Doctor's glass office she watched Kes help the other Kathryn get to her feet. It was absolutely eerie. The duplicate stood how Kathryn would have stood, even spoke softly to Kes.

"Captain." Chakotay smiled at her, calming her like the sun coming over the hills back home. "Let me take care of her while you take care of the ship. You're both exhausted. She might listen to me and rest, but you won't until _Voyager_'s back in one piece."

Nodding to him, she wished him luck. Kathryn caught his forearm with her hand. "Thank you."

"See you on the bridge," he replied, still smiling. "Such as it is."

From her vantage point, she watched as he approached her duplicate. Chakotay's smile softened and he offered the other her his arm. Would Kathryn have taken it? Her duplicate debated for a moment, then took it. Maybe she was still disoriented or she wanted the comfort of his strength. She might not have allowed herself the perceived weakness of being escorted but her duplicate didn't even put up a fight.   


* * *

Chakotay held her arm all the way back to her quarters. She'd never allowed herself that much contact with him. Mark had come on a tour, back when _Voyager_ was in spacedock, but he hadn't held her arm. He'd never been terribly fond of the uniform and he kept a respectful distance when she wore it. Mark had no desire to be a Starfleet spouse. He'd put on a good front and attend the banquets but he'd made it clear it was her he wanted, not Captain Janeway, but Kath.

Now it didn't matter. Mark was on the other side of the galaxy and he didn't belong to her. Mark belonged to the other her: the one who belonged here, the one who's quarters Chakotay had just led her into and the one who still had her ship.

Her quarters, the other Kathryn's quarters, looked exactly like her own, right down to the book on the table she'd left out that morning. She lifted the book, traced her finger along the back of the spine

"I was reading this before I went to the bridge." Closing her eyes, she winced as the type on the cover shifted in and out of focus.

"I suggest you wait until tomorrow," Chakotay said gently, leading her to the sofa. "According to Mr. Paris' surprisingly useful medical skills, you hit your head pretty hard."

"I'm a little disoriented." Trying not to hear the quaver in her voice didn't make it go away.

"Concussions are nasty things." Chakotay's smile was entirely sympathetic. "I've had a couple."

"Piloting?" The corner of her mouth twisted upward in amusement. His ill-luck with shuttles was becoming something of an inside joke.

"Boxing." Chakotay took the book from her hand and set it aside. "Have you eaten?"

She started to shake her head and stopped. It was easier just to hold still. "I'm not hungry."

"Rations have that effect on me too." His smile was far too gentle, but it was both what she needed and desperately didn't want to see. Her Chakotay had smiled too, right before he died. Kathryn could still picture the burn mark on his neck and the light draining from his face. Looking at this- this other Chakotay- tore at her heart and she quickly looked away.

He respected that and left the sofa. He stepped out into the hallway and returned with one of the emergency rations packs. "We'll start with something easy," Chakotay said, opening it up and looking through what they had.

He handed her the water pouch, still watching her with that solicitous look.

She took a drink slowly. Her throat was a little scratchy; she must have spent some time in smoke after the plasma explosion. "My ship?"

"Cleanly destroyed and they took the Vidiians with them. This _Voyager_ is safe while we make repairs." He dug through the pack and offered her a pack of dried soup. "Tomato and rice. Not quite vegetable bouillon, but it's better than beef brisket or curry chicken and dried papaya."

The last one was something she remembered and she frowned. "I'll eat the soup."

"Good," Chakotay said, opening the packet and turning on the tiny warmer. "Shouldn't take too long."

"Your ship is safe?"

Watching as he re-hydrated the soup and stirred it slowly, Kathryn took a deep breath and winced. The Doctor had been right, her ribs were going to be sore for awhile and the edges of everything around her were still fuzzy in her vision.

"It's safe. A little beat up, but safe." He handed her the soup and held it until her hands were firmly around the cup. "I know your stomach might be a little upset right now, but you'll feel a lot better in the morning if you eat this."

Sighing, she looked down at the pale red soup and took a sip. It wasn't bad. It certainly wasn't good, but it was warm and it eased her throat. "Thank you."

"Your crew saved everyone on this ship."

Kathryn hadn't been nauseated before, but now her stomach twisted with grief. She could forget about it. She could close her eyes and let this Chakotay be her first officer and these quarters be her quarters.

It wasn't and it could never be. She was an impostor here. A duplicate who didn't belong.

She drank the rest of her soup quickly, hoping the hot liquid would shock her stomach into behaving. "You would have done the same for us."

He saw right through her. Chakotay's compassion was written all over his face. "But you did it."

She laughed bitterly. Her metal cup clanged against the glass coffee table in front of her when she set it down. "You know what they should put in those ration packs? Real alcohol, just in case you end up in the wrong universe, completely out of options." She rocked back and forth where she sat, anxiously moving her hands. Her headache didn't matter so much anymore.

"You're alive." His voice was so damn soft.

"I had no intention of being. Tuvok. Paris. Kes. Torres. My Chakotay-" she nearly spat his name instead of treating it with the respect it deserved. "All of them died. You- I've seen you die. You knocked me back when the Vidiians fired at us. You--"

"Died," he finished. "I died. So did a version of everyone on this ship. I will grieve for him and everyone else on that _Voyager_. The spirits will take care of them now."

"Everyone but the captain," she snapped, hating the word as much as she loathed the weight of the pips on her collar. Taking off her commbadge, she set it on the table. "This one doesn't match. It has a slight phase variance, even though it works with your system." Peeling the pips from her collar one at a time, she dropped them on the table as well. "Won't be needing those without a ship. Maybe you should ask the other me to contact the Talaxians, see if they need a decent engineer with a scientific background."

Pushing off the sofa, she paced. It didn't matter where she was going, she just desperately needed to be doing something. She couldn't fix the ship because she was injured. She couldn't talk to the crew because they weren't hers. She couldn't bury her own because they weren't dead.

"You belong here," Chakotay interrupted, sitting calmly as she tore back and forth. "If there's anywhere in the universe you belong, it's on this ship."

"This is the wrong ship, Chakotay. She's already here." she threw out her arm, pointing out the doors of this Janeway's quarters towards the other woman. "The only place I belong is floating out in space as loose atoms with the rest of my crew." Her words were venomous but she shivered at the thought. She didn't know which was worse, not being dead or knowing she should be and being unable to die.

Chakotay stood and faced her, hands at his sides. "You're not dead and you'll have to accept that. You're a brilliant officer. This ship could use you."

"No," she snapped, shaking her head and moving away from him. "No. This ship has one captain. It can't have two. It'll destroy the chain of command." All the anger she could put up as a sheild between them couldn't save her from the black knot of fear in her stomach. She'd failed. Her crew was dead and she had no right to ever call herself their captain again.

"Then don't be the captain."

Her Chakotay probably wouldn't have dared take her arms and stop her in her tracks, but this one did. He knew she was a fake, the duplicate, the impostor who didn't belong.

"No, Chakotay!" She broke his grasp and retreated towards the centre of the room.

"Kathryn."

Her given name cut through her shields the way no other word in the galaxy could have. He'd never called her that. Not off duty, not as a joke: it had never happened.

"Don't you see?" Her stomach was ice and her eyes felt like she'd been slogging through a blizzard. Breathing was difficult; her chest was clamping down. "Even that's hers. Captain Kathryn Janeway." Her name sounded foreign and left a bitter taste in her mouth. Her ship. Her title. Her name. "Hell, if we make it home it'll be her mother and her sister who are waiting for her."

His hand released her arm and rose to her shoulder. "Hey."

"I don't belong here," she whispered. Her voice was barely functioning at all and the hand she pointed at the viewport shook. "I belong there. Out there." The first tear made her sinuses ache and the second simply overwhelmed her. "I'm supposed to be dead. Dead with my crew."

The hand on her shoulder moved to her cheek, holding her close. She started to lose count of her tears.

"It wasn't your time."

Pulling back from his hand, she tried to retreat. "Chakotay..."

He embraced her, holding her tightly against her chest. His arms were around her shoulders and just like her father, he held her. He murmured into her hair, comforting her with words she couldn't hear. She opened her hand, pressing it against his chest. Her tears gave way to sobs, and when she sank down to the floor, he sank with her. Chakotay held her as she curled up into a ball of misery. She hadn't cried like that since her father died.

She'd watched him, standing up there while he sank beneath the ice. She'd been unconscious when her ship had sacrificed itself but she felt each of their deaths as acutely as if she was still standing on the ice with the wind howling around her.

Again, she was alone.   


* * *

Coming home to someone in her quarters was a shock in and of itself. She lived alone. Her quarters were a quiet refuge from everything she had to be outside that door. Alone in the dark, she could sink to the sofa and put her head in her hands. She could cry for the crew, for herself, and everything they'd all left behind. Once that door was shut, it was just her, _Voyager_ and all the ghosts they carried together.

She paused, nearly dropping her facade too early. The bruises on her back from the floor of the bridge ached, and she rolled her neck and winced. Maybe she should have let the Doctor take a look at them, but it was just bruises. They'd heal. She'd be sore tomorrow, maybe even the day after but her ship was being repaired, her crew was safe, and that was what mattered.

Chakotay raised his head, leaving his meditative trance when he heard her come in. "Captain," he whispered.

"She's asleep." Otherwise he wouldn't whisper. "Replicators?" she asked softly.

"Just came online an hour ago," he murmured back, rolling up his medicine bundle. "I recommend some Valerian root tea. Sleep well, captain." He would have left without another word.

Kathryn hung her head, rubbing the aching muscles leading up to her skull. The other her, her duplicate, deserved her privacy. She shouldn't pry, and yet, they were the same person, weren't they?

"Chakotay," she interrupted his exit.

He turned, holding his medicine bundle under one arm. "How would you be, if your positions were reversed?"

Her stomach crept into her throat and she dropped her hands in defeat. "Destroyed. Half-dead. Hollow. I've been thinking about her and her crew all day and I can't even imagine. It ties my stomach up in knots and I haven't had that since I was a child and my father would go off fighting the Cardassians."

"Be kind to her. You are your own worst critic. Right now, she needs you to be your own best supporter. You know what drives you: what keeps you going. You can help her find that again." Chakotay's sincere empathy for, well, for her, softened the knots in her stomach and let the vague sense of nausea that had been following her dissipate. At least her duplicate was in good hands.

"Thank you, Chakotay." Kathryn found just enough energy to smile before she he left her quarters.

Four rank insignia sat on the glass table next to her duplicate's communicator badge. She stared at them, wondering how she'd feel with them gone from her collar. The other her was as gutted as either of them could have been. She'd dealt with losing her father and Justin particularly badly, and this was more than her father and her fiancé. Kathryn couldn't fathom the horror of losing her crew and the terrible injustice of outliving all of them. It was her worst nightmare made flesh and torn from her chest with her still-beating heart.

Leaning against the wall near the replicator, Kathryn ordered the tea Chakotay had suggested. It would be bland and warm; that was she needed. Setting her tea down on the edge of the sink in her bathroom, she pulled the pins from her hair and let it fall loose and filthy over her shoulders. Her uniform too had taken a beating. As she stripped it from her skin, she frowned. The inner layers were bloodstained from the scratches that had gone through the fabric.

"No wonder you're sore." Being tossed around the bridge like one of Molly's chew ropes had taken its toll on her body and her clothing. Leaving all of it in a heap, she decided to deal with it in the morning. Splashing cool water on her face, she gave up shortly afterwards.

She had little need for Chakotay's suggestion of calming tea, but she drank it as she pulled on her oldest and plainest pyjamas. The thin blue-grey fabric was starting to wear out but she kept the pyjamas because she didn't have the pattern in this replicator. No one saw them and she was saving resources. At least, that was what she told herself.

Downing the last of her tea, she left the cup out. Tidying her quarters could wait until the lead was gone from her limbs and her eyes ceased loathing the fact that they were still open. Sitting on the edge of the bed and rubbing the back of her neck, she reached for the computer pad and keyed in her alarm for 0530. She had a ship to repair. Turning her head over her shoulder, Kathryn paused before she climbed into the blankets.

She hadn't shared this bed with anyone. She'd even taken to sleeping in the middle after a few weeks of their journey. In the Alpha Quadrant, when she'd been with Mark, the right had always been her side. He liked being further away from the window as much as she'd liked being closer to the stars. The duplicate was facing her from Mark's side. Kathryn knew her own face enough to recognise the tear stains and the puffiness for what they were. Chakotay's quiet now spoke volumes. She knew herself and if he'd been there when she went to pieces, she would have been safe to let herself shatter.

Kathryn hadn't cried like that for Mark. She hadn't cried like that in just under a decade and the pent up flood must have been enough to destroy her self control. Had sobbing in Chakotay's arm been safe? Did her trust for him extend that far or was crying in front of him just grinding dirt into a wound that might fester for the rest of her life?

After she pulled up the blanket, she snuggled closer, lying on her side and reaching towards the other her. The last time Phoebe had been dumped they'd spent the night together, giggling like little girls again. She found her duplicate's arm and let her hand rest on it. Her duplicate's breath remained slow and even. Emboldened, Kathryn reached for her duplicate's cheek and stroked her hair back out of the way. What could she say? How could she help herself find her inner reserves of strength when she'd poured everything she had into this ship and her crew? Losing _Voyager_ would destroy her, and knowing her crew was dead would take the colour out of the universe.

Her duplicate wanted to be dead. She had every reason to wish that she'd gone with her crew and the only part of her that could feel was most likely wrapped up in hating fate for its cruelty.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered to herself. "I can't, you know I can't begin to...but I'm here. I'm with you. I... hell...I am you and if there's anything I can...I want you to know, I will."

Before moving her hand to rest on the duplicate's upper arm, Kathryn stroked her cheek one more time. "We can get this crew home, you and I. For all of them, your crew and mine. I promised you, and I have no intent of backing out now. We don't give up. We're far too stubborn."


	3. Chapter 3

Setting down her empty coffee cup, Kathryn returned her hands to her lap. "Of course, I'll need to convince her to agree. What do you think, Chakotay?"

He wasn't sure how much he had to offer in his opinion. He couldn't pretend to know the other Kathryn as well as his Kathryn knew herself. He was an outsider; perhaps she needed one. Chakotay mulled it over. She was right that her duplicate needed to feel useful. Any Kathryn Janeway idle too long was bad for the ship and if she was left to nurse her depression, she might never find her way out of it.

"I think she'll take the commander rank with relief. From the time we've had to talk, I think it's safe to say she's not after your job."

"No. She asked for the minimum of responsibility. It's like looking into a mirror and seeing myself fail. I remember being inside of that look on her face."

Kathryn's face fell and she shook her head. Darkness crept into her eyes and had made them hollow. She shuddered and twisted her hands. She'd been expending more energy than usual keeping up her spirits and the good cheer of everyone around her. They'd all had a look at their own mortality, the other Janeway most of all, and the crew was shaken. Things were returning quietly to normal, but the sooner they had her duplicate integrated into the crew, they better they'd all feel.

"I don't understand her at all. Chakotay, I'm not even sure what's keeping her going."

"Losing you, even a duplicate you, would rattle the crew's confidence." Refilling her cup, Chakotay sat down next to her on the sofa instead of across from her in the chair. She needed the support and for him to be confident. "She'll recover faster if she starts spending more time with them."

Kathryn stared down at her new coffee and finally raised her eyes to his. Uncertainty had wormed its way into her face and the circles under her eyes were dark and deep. "How did you allocate her quarters?"

"Commander Janeway," he began, testing it out. That was going to take some getting used to. "She'll take Tuvok's quarters. Tuvok will be moving into Ensign Kim's quarters, and Mr. Kim will be taking Lieutenant Foster's, Lieutenant Foster will--"

Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "How many transfers did we need? Commander Janeway is one person."

His amusement was almost enough to smile. "Some of the crew asked to use the opportunity to change their room assignments. Many of them are accustomed to changing rooms and assignments a great deal more often than we can out here. It's a nice change and it has the crew excited. Lots of redecorating. Commander Janeway moved out of your quarters this morning. You're roommate-less again, captain."

Her dry chuckle back meant she was starting to heal as well. "I'm actually going to miss her. Did you know she's had dinner waiting for me each night I came home?"

Chakotay smiled back. "And she knows what you like. I think she'll be all right, captain. Give her time. She'll adapt and it might be useful to have a dedicated science officer aboard. Present company excluded, we can't do better than her credentials."

"What-"

He put up his hand and stopped her before she could even ask the question. "She'll respect the chain of command as much as you would, maybe even a little more so. That's enough, isn't it? I hate to say it...but if anything happens to you or I it might be nice to have her around as back-up. Two Kathryn Janeways on our side raises the odds a little, don't you think?"

Her weak smile was a gift in itself. Kathryn took another moment or two and steeled herself. Her heart was torn between caring for her crew and fighting the constant reminder of their mortality. One false step and she could lose _Voyager_, just as her duplicate had.

"Thank you. All right, let's bring her in."

She tapped her commbadge. "Mr. Tuvok, please ask-" she paused and rolled her eyes, "we have got to come up with something to call her that's not Captain Kathryn Janeway."

Chakotay smiled at her gently. "Maybe she'll have an idea."

"Can't say it's something I've put much thought into." She sank into her chair and nodded to him. "All right."

The other her walked in and stood at attention in front of her desk. The duplicate was starting to look better, and Chakotay thought she was starting to adapt to where she was. The circles under her eyes were gone, and the haunted look in her blue eyes had faded to the point where it wasn't painful to meet her gaze.

"At ease, please."

The duplicate relaxed her posture slightly but she kept her hands behind her back. She wore one of Kathryn's off-duty outfits. The pale grey did nothing for her complexion. Her hair was down and hung simply in one long braid. She was Kathryn, but yet something was missing. She didn't have Kathryn's fire.

"Thank you, Captain."

Kathryn glanced over at Chakotay before bringing her gaze back to the duplicate. "We have a proposal for you. I know you care about as much as for sugar coating as I do, so I'll cut to the chase. Starfleet didn't see fit to send a senior science officer on a three week mission, but as you are well aware, _Voyager_ is in a unique situation. I could use a science officer and you're it, if you want it."

"Your rank would be commander," Chakotay added from beside the duplicate's shoulder. "You'll fall directly under me in the chain of command."

Her duplicate nodded slowly, mirroring Kathryn's crooked little smile. Relaxing a little further, She'd found that dark humour of the captain's. "It's been a long time since I wore blue. Commander Janeway it is then. Shouldn't be so bad. There's an awful lot of the Delta Quadrant out there to catalogue."

"Kathryn-" his Kathryn began.

"Captain-" the other interrupted, "I've been thinking about that. It's your universe, your ship and your crew. As far as I'm concerned, it's your name. Commander Janeway is fine, but it might be a little easier if you had something else to call me. We've never liked Elizabeth much. I think I'd like to go with Kate."

"All right, Commander. Kate it is. I'll make a note in the log and you can start work tomorrow. You already know your department, of course--"

Kate lifted a hand and interrupted. "They know me as the captain. I guess I'll have to get to know them as a commander."

Watching the two of them, Chakotay wondered if anyone would be able to keep up with them. Staff meetings were certainly about to become that much more interesting. They continued starting at each other until Kathryn broke the stalemate with a smile. The other one, Kate, smiled back, just as wryly.

"Good luck, commander." Kathryn nodded her head regally. Authority was hers, and instead of fighting her, the duplicate had surrendered entirely.

"Thank you, captain," Kate replied before she turned away. She threw Chakotay a look, acknowledging him with a glance. "Commander."

Kathryn watched her double leave. No sooner had the door shut behind that other then she dropped her head into her hands. "I don't even know what a counselor would say, if we even had one. She says she'll serve under me and I believe her." She lifted her head and stared at him in confusion. "You know, she hasn't even argued with me since she got here. When we were trying to force our ships back together we couldn't have a conversation without having this tension between us. She's me and I'm her and I don't know if I should be running away before we destroy each other or trying to help her with her grief."

Moving closer to the desk, Chakotay watched her. When she sighed again, he sat down on it and smiled at her patiently. "We all have parts of ourselves we'd rather not confront. I don't think anyone on this ship would welcome another version of themselves aboard. It's not going to be easy, the spirits have made her path one of great difficulty, but she one great advantage."

She rested her hand on his knee. "Oh?"

"She's you." He insisted, pouring his faith in her into his smile. "What else could she need?"  


* * *

"Come on Harry, our presence is needed." Tom nudged Harry's tray.

Harry followed Tom's attention and his eyes widened in shock. "She doesn't want company."

Commander Janeway, the captain's double, sat by herself, facing the window. She'd become head of the science department yesterday morning and they'd already started planning a refit of the science labs. Harry could talk about that and they might be able to chase that lonely darkness from her eyes.

Tom knew outcasts. He knew what it was like to be the one no wanted to sit with. In the commander's case, it was worse. She hadn't caused an accident, like he had, or tried to cover it up. She'd lived when she hadn't meant to. Through no fault of her own, she was in the wrong universe and it didn't even have a place for her. This commander, this other Janeway, didn't even have Tom's irascible shield to protect herself. Janeway wasn't like him. She didn't know how to make people hate her. The longer Tom had served under the captain, the more he'd realised that she wasn't even that good at keeping the professional distance she tried so hard to maintain from her crew.

Janeway wasn't a rogue like he'd been; she didn't even know how to project a veneer of independence and isolation. She was lonely, and Tom didn't need to be Betazoid to know it.

"I thought captains didn't eat with people like us." Harry whispered, following him along.

"She's not a captain. She accepted a demotion so, she's just a commander. Chakotay eats with us, we can eat with her." Dragging Harry along, Tom made contact, touching Janeway's shoulder as he circled around her.

"The throck's especially rubbery today. Don't you think?"

Smiling at her as they invaded her table, Tom looked her over with sympathy. Most of her food had been poked, but she hadn't made much of a dent in what Neelix had given her.

"I'm not sure if I noticed the texture with the leola root glaze on top." Harry winced, following Tom's lead. He was becoming a better wingman every day. Tom had been worried he wouldn't talk; Harry idolised the captain.

Commander Janeway looked from Tom to Harry, trying to bury her surprise. Tom could guess what she was thinking. If she left, considering how little she'd eaten, she was being rude by letting them see how uncomfortable she was. Her best choice, pretty much her only choice, was to stay.

"But the pasta's not bad," Harry continued, twirling it expertly around his fork. "I'm not sure if the sauce is going to win any awards for colour, but it's not bad."

Tom watched Janeway glance from her plate to Harry. She had both of the things he'd just mentioned on her plate, and that meant she had an opinion. He waited, smiling at her while his curiosity built. He didn't have license to talk to the captain this way, but he could be friendly with a commander.

Janeway made her decision and set down her fork. "When I was on the _Bonestell_," she began, relaxing a little as she continued. "We made first contact with an insectoid race, the Kilthiilikk, and they insisted the away team join them for dinner. Their prize delicacy was a type of beetle larvae: bright bright pink. When we managed to eat them, raw of course, all of our lips were stained green for almost a week."

"Your doctor couldn't do anything?" Harry smirked into his napkin.

Janeway's smile back was weak but genuine. Tom had been right. She needed the company.

"Our doctor was a Vulcan who believed it was purely a cosmetic impairment and we should learn to 'ignore small hinderances', even if that meant being part green." Janeway shook her head at the memory and lifted her fork. "It was a more pleasant shade than this."

"I've seen some bacterial infections that are too." Tom chuckled when Harry made a face. Janeway took it in stride. He'd had to work a bit harder to get her.

"Do we even want to ask where you picked up those infections?"

Tom continued to chuckle. "I'm wounded, commander, that you'd assume I was the one with such a thing instead of ably treating those stricken...." He'd always suspected that she liked to play. Being the captain meant she had to maintain a certain amount of dignity, but if being the science officer put her in a different position, he could have a lot of fun with Commander Janeway.   


* * *

"She has your laugh." Chakotay circled around her to grab bread to go with his soup. Handing her the thermos of coffee she'd been looking for, he rebalanced his tray on his hand.

Kathryn cast a glance over to the corner where the other her, Kate, as she was trying to learn to call her, sat with Kes, B'Elanna, Tom and Harry. The trays in front of all of them were empty, and from the assortment of cups in front of them, she could ascertain that they'd been there for awhile. B'Elanna was telling a story that had all of their attention, and Kate appeared to be as caught up in it as everyone else.

Did Kathryn know the story? Most likely not. She and B'Elanna shared a comfortable working relationship, full of mutual respect, but they didn't tell stories. Chakotay was watching her, so she had to say something.

"It's good that she's laughing."

"She's adapting. When we had dinner last week she told me she was starting to feel less like an aberration and more like a member of the crew."

Still watching Kathryn as she held her empty tray instead of filling it with dinner, Chakotay dredged up his smile.

She nodded, staring at the array of food on offer that morning. Something twisted her stomach, but she pushed it away. Putting a bowl of soup on her tray, she reached for the salad. He'd said they had dinner, but she hadn't seen them in the mess hall. Raising an eyebrow, she tilted her head towards him.

"That's what you were hoping for, that she'd start to belong. It's too small of a ship to have anyone feel alone. Just how often have you two had dinner together?"

The smugness in his smile was charming instead of infuriating. He'd been insisting for the last few weeks that Kate, as almost everyone had taken to calling her, would find her place. As the expansion of the science labs proceeded, Kate had her work to bury herself in. Considering all the wonders they'd seen since they arrived in the Delta Quadrant, she envied the time Kate would have to devote to research. The list of projects Kathryn would have if she had the time would be light-years long.

Maybe she'd even find time to eat with the crew and sit in the mess hall for hours, laughing over cold coffee.

"I said we have dinner once or twice a week," Chakotay repeated. She'd missed what he said the first time. "Less now that she's making friends with the crew. I heard she's even trying to teach B'Elanna tennis."

"I haven't played tennis for eighteen years. The first few days she was here, I felt like she was my little sister. Someone I had to watch out for. Now it seems she's doing just fine on her own. It's like watching Phoebe go to high school all over again."

Kathryn smiled weakly at Chakotay before picking up a bowl of Neelix's augbuerean spice custard and starting out of the mess hall towards her quarters.

Catching up with her before she could leave the mess hall, Chakotay caught her. "Captain, I was intending to catch up on some work, but it'll still be there in the morning if you'd like some company for dinner."

Gesturing towards the group in the corner, she tried to bow out gracefully. "Why don't you join them? I'm sure they'll be a good deal more interesting company than I would be."

He followed her out in the corridor, keeping pace as they headed for the turbolift. "Do you know why I have dinner with Kate?"

Kathryn couldn't escape from him in the turbolift. She looked down at her dinner and then turned her gaze towards him. "Because you're an exemplary first officer who takes exceptional care of our crew."

Chakotay smirked, and those damn dimples of his appeared just as the turbolift stopped on deck three. "When I ask her, she says yes."

Kathryn chuckled dryly and pointed the way towards her quarters. "It's as simple as that?"

He brazenly followed her in. "Have you spent much time with her lately?"

Kathryn set her tray on the table and put the lights to three-quarters. "I can't say that I have. Our paths don't cross much when we're off duty."

"Sounds like a polite way to say you're avoiding each other. I imagine there's not much in the way of small talk when you share the same memories." Pulling out her chair before he took his own seat, Chakotay stirred his soup thoughtfully. "As a child, I had friends who were twins. I envied their connection and the way they always had someone who understood how they felt."

Kathryn toyed with her salad. The purple leaf had a spicy hint to it that went well with cucumbers. Normally, she liked it and Chakotay was certainly fond of it.

"We are connected. You could say she understands me a little too well. We can work together, we even get along but there's something that's just a little too close for comfort."

"You mirror each other. You represent everything she's lost. Her responsibilities, her duty to her crew, in many ways, her sense of self-respect."

"She was laughing back there Chakotay." Kathryn reminded him, sipping her coffee and wishing she had something stronger. "It can't all be bad."

"Well, you're nothing if not exceptional, any version of you."   


* * *

"You were way out of line."

Kathryn snapped at her, eyes flashing.

Kate had to bite the inside of her lip, amused by the absurdity of being dressed down by herself. She'd promised herself time and time again that she would not become an ogre like Admiral Paris, or a towering pillar of cold fury like her father. In the early days of her command training, she'd promised herself over and over that she'd be rational.

At least, until her temper overwhelmed her.

"You risked brain damage, impersonated your commanding officer, defied orders and went toe-to-toe with a being we know nothing about who just spent the last decade torturing those people."

Kathryn stopped just as the turbolift brought them to deck one.

Kate followed behind her, keeping silent as they passed through the corridors where someone might hear them. The door to the ready room opened and she knew her fate by the time it hissed shut.

"How dare you take such a risk?"

Kathryn circled behind the desk, starting towards the position where she was powerful but she stopped. Turning right in front of it, she put them toe-to-toe. There were certain advantages to be exactly the same height. The captain's eyes crackled with a fire Kate had only ever felt before. She could have been yelling at herself in the mirror instead of being the recipient. She still didn't know what surprised her more: being yelled at, because it had been a long time, or the depth to which the other cared. For all they avoided each other, Kathryn was protecting her.

"You do remember that you still know command codes for this vessel, protocol, things that insane, homicidal computer program could have used against us."

"Permission to speak, Captain."

Kathryn took a slow, deep breath and Kate knew exactly what it was. Anyone else might have suspected that the captain was trying to calm herself; Kate knew better. She'd taken that breath herself on several occasions. The space between fury and tears was a tiny gap, and she'd fought to stay on the acceptable side many times in her life.

Well, their life. Kate's few weeks independent from the great Kathryn Janeway had little cause for anger, or the fierce, chest-tightening grief that came from the responsibility of command. Perhaps her life would have been just this different, if she'd never taken up Admiral Paris' offer of command training. She'd be a scientist, just like she was now, with a few junior officers and a captain to report too.

She'd be back in the Alpha Quadrant, sitting behind a console, sorting sensor readings and assembling reports. Maybe married to Mark, perhaps not, but would she be happier? She'd have her mother, and Phoebe, but she wouldn't have Harry or Tom. She wouldn't have Kes asking her advice, Neelix trying to make her smile, Tuvok's council, or B'elanna looking up to her.

Not exactly her, to be fair.

Her smile toyed around her lips, and she tried to swallow it. Smiling during the lecture wasn't wise. No one had ever had the nerve to smile at her when she dressed them down, not even Tom. The other her, the captain, had already been furious. When Kate smiled, there wasn't much higher for Kathryn to go.

"Well?"

Kate decided it wasn't worth the effort to fight the smile. "You would have risked yourself, captain. Forgive my impertinence, but that could not be allowed. My apologies."

"Your apologies?"

"We did get Harry back. That clown, fear or whatever he was, is gone. The computer system has been shut down and we saved the last two colonists. I pretended to be you but it wasn't too much of a stretch, was it?"

"Not you too."

The captain sagged against his desk, grabbing the edge with her hands. She shook her head once, then dropped it to her chest. Her hand came up first.

"We'd barely been here few months before Tuvok tried to steal space-folding technology because I couldn't break the Prime Directive. Then Chakotay took a shuttle and faced down the Nistrom because he wouldn't risk the ship. Harry Kim gets blown out into space because he wanted to save the ship."

She lifted her head, tapping her hand on the centre of her forehead. "Is there no one of this damn ship who's not nobly reckless with their own life at the drop of a hat?"

"I won't do it again."

The captain had Kate's sympathies. She did hate making the other her's life more difficult, even if she thought it was useful.

"I'm sure." The captain's voice was dry, and entirely unconvinced, she stared towards the stars outside her window. "You are aware that I know you."

"Quite well, Captain. At least, most of me."

"That's peculiarly accurate, isn't it? I know all of you, up until the point where you came onto my ship, after that, we're entirely different."

Kathryn, the captain, pulled herself up to sit on the desk, instead of leaning on it.

"You're the captain. You're always apart. Different. I can't share that."

Kate stated the obvious, even though it seemed unnecessary. She'd been resisting the urge to pace, and as the other her held still, she followed a line before her, travelling from one side of the ready room to the other.

"I can't keep myself apart. I couldn't do it if I tried."

"Oh?"

Kate knew that curious look and stopped herself. "They love you."

"Love?" Kathryn's little snort was almost an incredulous laugh. "You mean respect."

"No."

Kate advanced on the desk, changing the dynamic of power between them. She put her hands on her hips, staring down the other her and willing that woman to understand.

"They love you. The stories I tell them; the things I share with them: they want to know because it's pieces of you. I listen to them and share my advice because I'm you. I'm the shadowy, hollow version of you that has time to sit in the mess hall until the wee hours of the morning. I have the time to spend with your crew, but it's you they love."

"Kath-"

"Kate," the commander corrected her. "It's your crew, Captain. I'm just along for the journey. I apologise again that I crossed a line. It won't happen again."

Kathryn's chin trembled. Her blue eyes were soft and nearly liquid. Kate knew how that tightness in her chest felt and how damn hard it was to keep her eyes dry because she was the captain.

Across from her, Kate stood, hands still on her hips while Kathryn's knuckles whitened on the edge of the desk. There were few restrictions on her emotions, but she would have been aggravating the wound if she cried too.

"Permission to be dismissed, captain."

Kathryn's eyes clung to her, unwavering as she nodded gravely. "Dismissed."

She'd wait in the ready room, composing herself fully before she returned to the bridge. Kathryn's tears would wait for her quarters and the quiet darkness that was so often thing to share her pain.

Kate couldn't tell her how different it was to be past that agony. She'd lost her crew, failed them outright by living when all of them had so nobly given their lives. The only light in her darkness was filling the gap left between captain and crew. If her curse helped the other captain find her way, then that was enough to make her unjust existence purposeful. That was all she could ask for.  


* * *


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

The Doctor's hands hung useless by his sides. If there was a heart within his holographic form, Kate thought she heard it breaking.

"We'll have to leave them. They can't leave the planet," the Doctor continued for her and Tuvok. "I can't fight the virus they've been infected with. It's been seventeen days since we put them in stasis and I haven't deactivated myself for a month or treated another patient. This is all I have done and I could not cure it. We should contact the Vidiians."

"The captain has forbidden that course of action." Tuvok pointed out. "If you have failed, Doctor, we are at an impasse." He turned his dark eyes to Kate and she knew that look. She'd had that look from him when she was still captain.

She wasn't worthy to be so again.

"Thank you, Doctor." Holographic or not, his pain at having failed two of his crew was written all over his face. "I'm sure they both appreciate all that you have tried for to do for them. No one could have done more."

"It wasn't enough, Commander," the Doctor sighed, utterly defeated. He slunk back to his office.

Kes nodded to her and Tuvok. "He's pushed himself so hard, Commander."

"The entire crew will feel the loss of Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay most keenly," Tuvok said. "I for one will be most aware of their absence on our long journey."

"Me too Tuvok," Kes replied softly, forcing away tears from her huge eyes. "Commander, Lieutenant."

Tuvok watched her go then turned to Kate. "Would you accompany me, Commander Janeway?"

"Of course."

Kate fell in step beside him. Tuvok put himself a step behind, as he had when she was captain of her own ship. Tuvok had been using the ready room in the captain's absence and it still felt strange to stand on the other side of her desk.

This time, he didn't take the chair. Instead, her- Kathryn's old friend, stood before the desk at her side. Together they contemplated the gaping hole Captain Janeway's absence had left. Already, the wound had begun to sting.

"Logically, you will assume command."

Tuvok wasn't going to spend much time on ceremony. _Voyager_ needed a captain. She was the ranking officer; no doubt Kathryn would agree.

Kate's heart sank into her stomach. She had no business being in command. She wore blue now, not red; she was a scientist, because Kathryn needed a good one, and that was all. Her crew was dead. She'd outlived them all and she existed now as a shadow. A shadow needed the light, and with Kathryn down on the planet, the light was gone. A wraith couldn't be captain. A shadow couldn't lead a crew.

"I respectfully suggest that you allow me to serve as first officer," Tuvok continued. "Lieutenants Torres and Paris will be needed at their posts, and I am the only one with the necessary command experience."

"You're right, Tuvok, of course." She nodded weakly, staring at the chair she'd tried to forget. "Captain Janeway will make an announcement. I'm sure she'll agree with you."

Tuvok headed for the replicator and asked for Vulcan spice tea. "You shall have to return to being Captain Janeway."

"I will." Following him up, she sank into the sofa at his side. "She's still in here somewhere, isn't she?"

"Kathryn Janeway has always found the strength to do what is require of her," Tuvok replied, passing her a cup of tea. "You are no exception."

"Your support, is greatly appreciated, as always, Tuvok."

Staring down at her tea, Kate looked back over at her desk. "I'm a different person when I sit there. Not just literally. Captain Janeway is reserved. She lives by herself. She doesn't talk to her crew. She eats by herself."

"Becoming the captain does not mean you have to reassume the behavioural patterns you had when you were in that position before. You are free to captain the ship as you wish."

Sighing heavily, she rolled her head on her shoulders. The headache she hadn't had for the last month was settling in again, where it had lived in her former life.

"Maybe that's the problem. Captain Janeway, the other Captain Janeway, ran the ship exactly the same way I did, but now I can't do that. I don't even want to. I know them now, Tuvok, in a way I never thought of before. Tom, B'Elanna, Harry, Kes- I see them differently. They don't have me up on that pedestal. Kes asks me dating advice. I beat Tom in pool every Tuesday. B'Elanna's trying to turn me into a decent hoverball player and Harry, he wants to teach me the saxophone."

Tuvok impassively watched her flit between emotions.

"You might enjoy learning an instrument. I find it very centring."

She needed to be soothed but Kate doubted her heart would even loosen up again. She was about to become the captain. She'd promised to get this crew home, and she'd have to do just that, without Kathryn and without him. She felt Chakotay's absence as keenly as that of the other her, perhaps even more so. Not that she didn't appreciate Tuvok's counsel, it was- she'd become so accustomed to Chakotay.

Maybe more than accustomed.

Kate stood and headed for that damned desk. She was going to have to sit in it. It was hers, the ship was hers and all of the responsibility was squarely back on her shoulders.

"Someone has to get this ship home and it looks like it's going to be me."

Sitting in her chair behind the desk sent a phantom rivulet of ice water down her spine. She rested her hands on her desk and looked up in surprise when Tuvok set her tea down on it.

"You were, and shall continue to be, a most excellent captain."

So much for Vulcans making lousy cheerleaders. Kate forced herself to take her tea in hand and reach for the first PADD of command logs she'd touched in over a month.

"Your opinion and confidence, as always Tuvok, are highly appreciated."

Her eyes landed on the first line. Kathryn's final good bye to her crew: tomorrow, fourteen hundred hours. The last thing the real Captain Janeway would do before her shadow started leading her crew home. Her heart ached for her double. Kathryn would have go through the same process of grieving her crew, and since they were still living, it would undoubtedly be worse.

Kathryn was asking her crew to abandon her, to leave her behind. She was removing herself from their journey, and she'd have to finish the rest of her life without them. Kate was acutely aware of that pain. It didn't matter if it was a virus or a twist of subspace, any situation where the captain abandoned her crew was unacceptable.

Absentmindedly fingering the space on her collar where her fourth pip had been, Kate sighed and straightened up in her chair. Tuvok was waiting for her to become herself again. They all were.

"We'll get them home."

She owed herself that much.

* * *

Kathryn was trying not to cry. Chakotay suspected she would later, and wished he could do something to make it acceptable for her to cry with him there. They were about to start sharing a very small living space, and her emotions, like both of their secrets, were going to be very much with them.

"She'll get them home, Captain," he promised her. Grabbing a crate, he headed towards the shelter, so she didn't have to take the time to respond if she didn't want to.

"Kathryn," she corrected his habit. The tears assaulted her control again and still she fought them back. "I'd much rather you called me Kathryn."

He'd just said good bye to the best home he'd ever had, and he was thrown by the idea of her using her first name. Chakotay's amusement escaped in a chuckle. "That might take awhile."

"We have time," she replied.

Beneath the trace of sarcasm, Chakotay heard the pain. Everyone they'd left behind on _Voyager_ and subsequently lost the chance of seeing when they returned home would haunt them both. He had no doubt Kate would put as much work into getting her crew home as Kathryn would have. Maybe even more, with her history. Losing one ship was unthinkable, losing another--

Her hand touched his shoulder, shocking him out of his thoughts. Kathryn's fingers squeezed tight. She was comforting him.

"I hope you don't mind cooking."

Her smile was somewhere between forced and genuine. She was making an effort to be cheerful, but there was some truth in it. The least he could do was play along.

"I take it we won't live long if I don't?"

"We'll live. Just not well."

He saw the ghost of a smile behind the joke. There was hope there and it would be his new responsibility to kindle it into something Kathryn could live for.   


* * *

The first time she put it on it felt wrong. The red patches on her shoulders weren't hers anymore. Kate had been wearing the blue long enough that it was part of her identity. Science officers had nothing to prove, only the burden of truth came with a blue uniform.

Kathryn wore red, she was the captain; _Voyager_ and everyone on it was her responsibility. Putting on the red uniform and snapping that damn fourth pip back on her collar meant _Voyager_ was hers. Pulling on her jacket meant assuming that burden. One-hundred-forty-two lives were back on her shoulders and she had to get them home.

She didn't see herself in the mirror in her quarters. Kate saw her, the great Kathryn Janeway, looking like her uniform was too big.

Captains had to lie and stretch the truth and pull the universe together in whatever way kept their crew safe. She would have to fight and claw through the darkness out there until they reached Earth. No matter what it took, or how much it took from her. She'd already lost her own ship, losing this one was unacceptable. The Kathryn down on the planet wouldn't have to suffer that loss. She'd had to be able to count on knowing that her crew would make it home.

Hopefully Chakotay could help her let go.

Kate pulled her hair back, clipping it into a neat, more serviceable than elegant, pony-tail. She couldn't begrudge her other self Chakotay. Kathryn could find her own path, if she stopped being such a self-sacrificial idiot. She and Chakotay could explore something that all three of them had been orbiting slowly.

Mark would expect his fiancé to come home, so Kate would be her. She would greet Kathryn's mother, and hug Kathryn's dog and be everything Kathryn Janeway was expected to be. She'd do it for her because she loved her.

Leaving the reflection of the captain in the mirror, Kate headed down the corridor towards the turbolift. After that was the bridge and as hard as she'd looked in the mirror, the bridge was going to be worse.

She paced in the lift and her feet found none of the answers she wanted. Kate pulled herself together, holding still behind the doors so that when they opened, she'd be ready. Not that she'd ever be ready to have all their eyes on her again, but for Kathryn, she'd fake it. She walk out there and--

"Captain on the bridge."

Tuvok's voice sealed her fate. The chair in the centre of the bridge was hers now and everything else her life had been was second to that.   


* * *

Sitting up in bed, her back against the headboard he'd made, Kathryn couldn't sleep. Chakotay's observation that she read in bed was accurate. She had trouble falling asleep until her body dragged her under out of necessity. Reading helped, especially when it was the same book over and over when she had the text memorised and could recite it in her sleep.

Sleep wasn't working. Nightmares had been an occasional visitor on _Voyager_ but here she only had cool blackness. Her thoughts were empty, as were her thoughts of the future. Maybe she could find a cure, given years of work and the right amount of luck, but it wasn't likely. She wasn't going home. Well, not her, exactly.

Kate would bring her ship home. She'd walk across the lawn in Indiana and be swept up by her mother. She'd see Molly, find Mark and return to her life. It was Kate's life now: her family, her dog and her fiancé. All the time she'd spent convincing herself that the two of them could somehow share what had been one life; now she understood.

One of them could never go home. One of them belonged elsewhere, and maybe she belonged to the Delta Quadrant. It was where Kate had been born.

Now the Delta Quadrant wanted her.

Leaving the bed, Kathryn grabbed her flashlight from the shelf, pulled her robe on over her nightgown and headed for the door. Opening it and shutting it as quietly as she could, she left the shelter to stand in the dark night around them.

The night hummed with unknown insects and the occasional rustling noise she couldn't place. Kathryn wasn't good with wilderness. She knew what advanced survival training had taught her about finding water and food, and that was what she needed to know. She'd never intended to live in one.

The unfamiliar was oddly comforting. Something would have had to be dreadfully wrong for her to feel this lost on _Voyager_ or at her mother's house in Indiana. Here she was the wanderer, the lost one, and eventually this night would become easier. She be able to put an insect with the high pitched whirr and match one of those little primates to the crunching of leaves in the darkness. She'd adapt, somehow.

Kathryn pulled her robe tighter, shutting out the dampness in the air around her. It smelled like rain, and the water was on the breeze. She should go back inside. Find shelter from the skies before they opened up.

It wasn't a thunderstorm, the air was only slightly heavier than normal. When the rain began to fall, it fell like mist, soaking down slowly. Kathryn looked up at the black sky and cool water came to claim her face. Beyond the clouds were the stars, and somewhere beyond that, her home. As fast as they could, up there, light-years away, _Voyager_ was going home. She was going home.

But she was home, trapped on this planet. Through some bizarre quirk of the universe, she could walk two paths, each as real as the first. Kate was going back to Earth, so Kathryn's mother didn't need her. Mark didn't need her. She would stay. She had put down the weight of _Voyager_ and the lives aboard. They were no longer her responsibility.

The rain was enough to swallow her tears. Though each tear was larger than the droplets from the sky, they faded into the water already on her face. The rain whispered among the leaves and began to fall harder, starting to patter on the metal of the shelter. She should go inside. Her robe was wet through to her skin on her arms and shoulders, and the cold crept deeper within her. There was no bath to run hot and crawl into. The sonic shower would dry her, but she wasn't sure if she'd ever be warm.

She was redundant. The galaxy's punchline to a joke about two captains. One got her crew lost, one watched them die, one would fight to get them home until her heart stopped beating and one had lost that privilege. She'd trapped her crew here, but Kathryn would never see them home. It was over. Done. She had to stop fighting it. Finding a cure for a virus this insidious took real medical doctors years of research and she hadn't even found a sample of the insect that had bitten them. They'd never leave in time to find _Voyager_. This was their home now, because without the hope of reaching _Voyager_, one rock in the Delta Quadrant was as good as the next one.

Sinking down, reaching past her cold feet in the wet grass, she sank her fingers into it. Had she ever wanted grass under her feet instead of the deck? Maybe as a vacation, or a trip to her mother's for dinner. She didn't want this forced imprisonment on an empty little planet. The whole universe was out there and she was stuck with rocks, trees and the soil beneath her feet.

If this was her penance, if her entrapment brought her crew home, somehow, she'd gladly pay it. She'd die here if it brought _Voyager_ closer to the families they'd all left behind.

Chakotay was innocent. She'd doomed him with along with herself when she cheerfully brought him along on her away team. Kathryn could still remember smiling at him and teasing him about finding food in the wilderness. He was going to give her a head start.

By the time they'd realised they'd even been bitten, their limbs were shaking and their lips were going blue in _Voyager_'s sickbay. Then their journey was over. This planet was both prison and memorial marker. Here the great Captain Janeway was stopped by an insect on her quest to bring her crew home.

Her chest hurt. Kathryn had her hands balled into fists in the dirt and her legs were starting to go numb beneath her. It was ludicrous to stay out in the rain, but she couldn't face what waited inside the shelter. How many times had they not spoken to each other? How many looks across the dinner table meant far more than either of them could say?

Had he been with her? Had he left her behind?

Chakotay and Kate were friendly. They ate together and spent more of their free time together than Kathryn had to spare. They made a good team. He'd helped Kate find her inner strength again. She smiled when she was with him.

If he was--

She couldn't even entertain the thought. She was grieving Mark with one tear and hating herself for not having Chakotay with the next. Mark was sweet, intelligent, patient; he was a good man.

Chakotay was dangerous. He was the light over the abyss that could draw her in close to the edge. He roused parts of her soul that should have died with Justin, but hadn't. She was the most foolish woman to ever be born, and her heart was set on rectifying it by ending her life. Her heart wanted to die, sobbing, burnt and utterly destroyed by love.

Her mind knew better. Love should be kept neat and tidy, within lines that protected her from herself.

Kate was the one safe. She was the one flying her ship home to Mark's gentle smile, to Molly and their mother.

Kathryn was the one out in the rain, wondering why it wouldn't pour hard enough to wash everything away.  


* * *

When she finally came back in, Kathryn was soaked to the skin. Even in the weak glow of the night light from their tiny washroom, he could see how her nightgown and robe clung to her body. Chakotay closed his eyes. He had no right to see, as much as he ached to watch her undress. He couldn't invade her privacy. All they had left was each other, and he'd be damned before he ruined it by leering at her.

Kathryn's night clothes sloshed to the floor. He listened to the scrape of a dry towel on damp skin and the slow, tumbling sound of her drying her hair. It would be too wavy tomorrow, and she'd tie it back with that frown that he found irresistibly adorable.

It was bound to a be a long exile if Chakotay spent each day thinking about the things she did. She was something he'd managed to resist on board _Voyager_ because she'd needed him to be her first officer more than she'd needed anything else. She depended on his unconditional support.

He could love her that way, in gesture and glances, because there was no room for anything more. He didn't love Kate in the same way. The darkness she carried was so overwhelming that to offer her more than sincere, friendly affection would have been cruel. She was more his sister and she had his prayers that she'd find her way home and in doing, a way to lighten her heart. That was what he could give her, and neither of them had questioned it.

She wasn't Kathryn, and ignoring his better judgement, Kathryn was the one he loved. Now he was trapped, with her, alone on a beautiful planet in the middle of the Delta Quadrant. The universe had an odd way of providing new challenges.

Chakotay rolled to his back, kept his eyes firmly shut and listened as Kathryn redressed in her other nightgown. Even though he tried his best, his mind guessed what she'd look like and held on to that incredibly pleasant thought as his dreams took it and flew.   


* * *

"We have to bring them back, Captain."

Harry still made standing at attention so stiff it looked painful.

Kate pulled her feet down from her desk, placed her hands on it instead and looked up at him expectantly.

"Sick of me already Harry?"

"No, Captain."

She smiled at him and earned half of one in return.

"Permission to speak freely, Capt-"

"Three 'captains' in the last two minutes is a little much, Ensign. Even for you." Kate pushed off from the desk, in search of more coffee. "Speak your mind, Harry."

"We haven't left anyone else behind. The other captain and Chakotay are part of this crew. We can't abandon them there, even if those were her- your- orders. We could contact the Vidiians, see if they have a cure. The Doctor's friend, Doctor Pel, she might be able to help us if we ask."

The Vidiians were the stuff of nightmares: half-alive, half-rotting, thieves of life and living flesh. They'd killed Chakotay.

Unable to look at Harry, Kate stared down at the coffee pot in her hand.

Chakotay dived in front of her, knocking her back. He'd saved her and Chakotay had paid with his life. Both of them had been down there on deck fifteen to protect the young man in front of her now. They had to keep Harry alive because this ship needed him. _Voyager_ had to have a Harry Kim, and a Naomi Wildman. They belonged here.

Unlike her.

No matter how well she played the role of captain, or fit in with the crew. She was alive and alone because the Vidiians had killed her Chakotay. She'd watched him die. She'd seen the light fade from his eyes as he looked up at her and smiled because she was safe. He had smiled. She'd thought back then that she would follow him. That she'd be dead too a moment later.

She'd never thought she'd be sitting here, looking at Harry, on the other _Voyager_ where death wasn't an option because they needed her.

"We can save them. We can bring them back home with us. The two of them belong here, with us. If we can save them, Captain, we have to."

"You want me to risk this ship, this crew, to save Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay. Even though, that would be in direct violation of her last order, you want me to risk all of us, to save those two."

"They're part of us. We're a family. We don't leave parts of our family behind." Harry stopped, trembling through his control as he stood before her. "You taught me that, Captain. If anyone can understand how important it is that we save them. It's you."

Kate set down her cup so hard that it shivered on the desk. The liquid inside rolled and splashed up onto her hand. She shook it off, wincing from the heat.

"Enough, Ensign. Enough." Kate held up her hand to stop him. "I'll take it under advisement."

"Captain--"

"Harry, let me think, please." She shook her head and dropped her hands to her hips. She couldn't be two people, not Kate and the captain. The captain had to come first. She lifted her gaze and let it scorch him.

"Under advisement means you are dismissed, Ensign."

The door hissed open and shut as he left. At least Harry had the good sense to do that.

Kate sighed and wiped her hand on her uniform. Picking up her coffee again, she stared at it in disgust. Why did it have to be the Vidiians? Why not the Kazon and that damned traitor Seska? She gulped down her coffee, letting it sting her throat.

How much of a favour was she doing her by pulling Kathryn away from that planet? It wasn't _Voyager_, but it was quiet, even idyllic. Kathryn would get to lay down her burdens: laugh, even smile. No one but Chakotay needed her, and all he needed was her. He didn't need his captain to put her life between him and the darkness; he wanted her.

Maybe they'd--

In spite of herself, she smirked down at her coffee. Now that was an idea. Maybe one of them was finally having a little fun.

Fingering the fourth pip on her collar, Kate stopped fighting herself and let her decision sink through her. Kathryn and Chakotay were part of this family. If that meant taking them away, and facing down the Vidiians, she had to do it. She was the captain, and that meant the choice was hers and hers alone. They were her crew and she was going to bring them home.  


* * *

The snap of a broken twig stole her attention, and Kathryn turned from the insect trap in her hand.

Chakotay smiled sheepishly at her. "Sorry."

"Keeping me company today? Or are you bored with your work?" Putting her hands on her hips, she smiled back. There it was again. That electric thrill down her spine ran cold, then burned in her hips.

"I thought I'd do your rounds with you."

Innocent enough. Two people going for a walk. Perfectly normal.

"Must be my lucky day." Kathryn let her smile grow. Shutting the trap, she pointed down the path. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I'm trying to clear my head." Chakotay reached out to move a branch from their way on the little path she followed on her trail from trap to trap.

Ducking beneath it, she shivered when he put his hand on her arm. As they rounded the corner, Chakotay's hand moved around to her back. They were face to face when they came to the next trap.

"Is clearing your head something you needed to do today?"

She was breathing too fast. They had only been walking, but her heart was racing, her hands were starting to sweat and if he kept looking at her like that...

Chakotay sheepishly ran his hand through his hair. "After I almost cut off my thumb with a wood planer, I thought I needed a break."

Glancing down at his hands, Kathryn reached for them before she thought the better of it. Unfortunately, by the time her mind caught up with her hands, she was stroking his fingers. Her mind fell farther behind her body and she leaned closer to him.

"You do so much for us with these hands. Maybe you should be careful with them or at least work on what has you so distracted."

His lips were centimetres away and all she'd have to do was tilt her head.

Chakotay pulled his hand free and lovingly brushed his fingertips across her cheek. Everything had a point of no return. A flashpoint, an event horizon, a point where everything fell away and the only answer was forward. He was ahead of her. He was the singularity and she couldn't have escaped, even if she wanted to.

Her only choice was to kiss him. Stand on her tiptoes and bring her lips to hers before one of them flinched. First was the heat, then the searching pressure of his lips finding hers. She threw her arms around his neck, pulling him close, then closer still.

It had been nearly two years since she'd been kissed. She'd gone longer, but it didn't feel that way this time. She wanted him, more than she'd let herself want anything. Here, in the woods, or back in the cabin, it didn't matter. What mattered was contact: the press of his body against hers and the heat of his tongue. They kept kissing, pushing , exploring; his hand was on her breast when the wind changed. At first, Kathryn thought it was her, then he broke them apart.

"The wind's changing."

Something flashed green and the trees began to rattle. The wind picked up even further and his hand went protectively around her shoulders.

"Some kind of storm, come on."

Chakotay dragged her back, helping her carry the case of samples when the wind grew so strong it half-knocked them over. Stumbling and crawling through the trees, they were helpless as the sky cracked and rumbled above them. Chakotay shouted to her, but she couldn't hear him. She clung to him, frozen in her own fear. They had to drop the case. Tree branches crashed around them and the scrape of wood against the metal shelter screamed through the air.

A clap of thunder and the plasma lightning behind it knocked them both flat to the wet grass. Chakotay covered her with his body, crawled with her into the shelter. In the green flashes of plasma lightning, they made it to the table. He held her, wrapping his arms around her while the sky opened and the air shook around them.

While the plasma storm raged around them, the kiss kept drifting into her mind. The shelter could have been collapsing, or the forest on fire around them, and she'd still have that kiss.  


* * *

Tuvok knew when she walked out of the ready room. He knew her well enough that he could see her decision in the way she walked. Kate stopped in front of the captain's chair, studying it before she looked across her crew. Her eyes lingered on the faces around her, touching each one.

"We have our orders from the former Captain Janeway. She never wanted us to make contact with the Vidiians and she made that very clear."

Ensign Kim was already disappointed. His gaze dropped back to his console. He did not know the captain as Tuvok did.

"However, I am the captain, and one thing about being the captain is that sometimes you don't have to explain why you make the choices you do, even to the former captain. The way I see it, Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay are two members of this family that we need to bring back into the fold. If we have to contact the Vidiians to do it, then that is what we'll do. Mr. Kim, please begin scanning for Vidian signals. Mr. Paris, the last we've knew, Doctor Pel's ship was headed towards that outlying Vidian colony we passed a few light years back. Let's set a course. Warp six."

Kate circled the bridge, tossing her auburn braid over her shoulder as she passed Ensign Kim's station. He was doing his best not to smile, and he was pleased. It was good for him to be pleased. Kim worked better when he was contented.

She tapped Tuvok's station and she smiled. It was unnecessary and he merely nodded back. It was an illogical choice, but she was the captain, and it was her choice to make. It was consistent with both of the Captain Janeway's he had known to want to keep the crew together.

He had little doubt that she could do it and began to prepare contingency plans in case the Vidiians responded with hostility or greed.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

She couldn't remember the last time she'd cried in earnest. A tear or two was one thing. She could force those away, pretend they didn't exist. Real racking sobs that shook her chest and made her sinuses burn were a luxury she couldn't afford herself.

Today she cried over a little metal box that could no longer be used to catch insects. Kathryn was far enough from the shelter that she hoped Chakotay wouldn't hear her. It was too much effort to care. The metal box was more than just a trap: it was Tuvok and Tom, Harry, Kes, the Doctor, B'Elanna, Neelix and his terrible coffee. It was hope and a way off this planet; now hopeless bent and battered beyond repair.

It was the last part of her duty as a Starfleet officer. She'd had a simple mission, find a cure, get back to _Voyager_, go home. Now it was done; as broken as the trap in her hands. She'd never see Earth, Molly, Phoebe or her mother again. It was a small comfort that they'd see her; that none of them would have to grieve her the way she would have to let go of them. They'd have her.

Taking a shuddering breath, she dropped the useless trap into the carrying case. She used her hands to brutally dry her eyes. They'd still be red when she came back from the woods, and Chakotay would notice, but that idea didn't bother her as it once would have.

Since they were never leaving this planet, he was her one human contact. Eventually, they'd know each other so well that they'd have very few secrets. Chakotay might even already know her that well. He'd let her go find the traps on her own; he must have known how hard it would be for her to let go of the last piece of hope. Through no fault of her own, she'd failed.

Looking up at the now beautiful blue sky, she wondered how Kate felt, being the captain again. Had she been kind enough to her while they shared the same ship? She didn't dare worry that _Voyager_ wouldn't get home, because it seemed cruel to doubt the woman who had lost so much. No, she would believe because that was the right thing, the only thing to do. _Voyager_ was going home.

Walking back through the bent trees and scattered branches, Kathryn let her heart rise at the sight of their shelter. As small and unassuming it was, she was still glad to see it, and happier still when she saw Chakotay throwing branches into a pile.

He stopped as she approached, brushing his hands together and pulling off his work gloves. Before he could ask the question, Kathryn shook her head.

"All destroyed."

Fresh, angry tears threatened from behind her eyes. When he reached for her, she went straight into his arms. Clinging to him, she could smell the tree sap, dirt and sweat of a hard day's work.

He kissed her head before he released her.

"Are you okay?"

The intimacy of the gesture ached. Maybe that was the heart of the problem. She was exhausted, worn thin by the daily toil of merely surviving in the Delta Quadrant. Kindness and intimacy were so much more difficult when she was tired. She couldn't keep her shields up. She couldn't keep him away.

"I can't--"

Chakotay left her and shook out one of their blankets over a clean patch of grass. He waved her over and waited for her to sit down.

Kathryn hovered, stuck somewhere between emotional collapse and needing to do something. Dragging branches wouldn't get them off this damn planet, but it might make her feel better.

"Come sit with me."

She sat down on the corner of the blanket, then pulled off her shoes and left them on the edge. The wind was quiet today and Chakotay was watching something out towards the horizon.

"When I was a little boy, between four and seven, we lived on another part of my planet, and it was in one of the areas that got a good deal of rain. It was the first time I'd lived in a house that had to have silts and I found the stairs that went up and down from my house were far too much fun to play on than my mother liked. I built things under those stairs. Castles and spaceports and little people of sticks and clay to play in them."

He glanced over to make sure she was listening.

Kathryn couldn't help picturing how adorable of a boy he must have been and waited for him to continue.

"Then the rainy season came and the ground covered with water. My steps disappeared and we travelled on boats for a few months. I loved boats so I didn't think too much of it. Then one morning the water was gone and I went back to my little den under the stairs and everything was gone. My castles, my little men made out of sticks, everything I'd spent all the dry season making."

He paused long enough that she had to know.

"And?"

"And, as many little boys do, I ran to my mother in tears and asked her why the rain didn't want me to be happy."

Imagining him so earnest as a boy, she nearly laughed. She could have hugged him for even beginning the story.

His smile was breathtakingly gentle. "My mother looked at me with the wisdom only mothers seem to have and walked down with me to see the mess the rain had made. She looked at the mud and the dried leaves and then finally at me. Then she asked me what I was going to build this season. I was confused. I wanted my old world back. I wanted the spaceport the way I had it. I wanted my things.

"Then she asked me if there was anything I didn't like about my old spaceport and my old castle and of course I could list so many things I would do better. I could have a moat and a real dragon, and maybe a shipyard so the ships could get fixed. And a house because the people who fixed the ships would need a house."

Chakotay reached for her face, rubbing the dirt she'd left tear stains in off of her cheek.

"My mother told me to build it. That the rain didn't hate me, the rain loved me enough to want me to have my spaceport and my castle exactly the way I wanted them."

His lips were close again. The sky was still blue and the afternoon sun was warm on her skin.

"Did you?"

"I built a pyramid, because I saw one in one of my dad's books. Then I built a starship, but it didn't fly very well."

So little distance was left between them that a sneeze would have put them in contact. Kathryn didn't wait for it. She leaned over, kissing him with a hungry kind of passion that unnerved her. She shouldn't want as much as she did, but the rains had come and taken everything but him away.

Chakotay was the thing she wanted to do right. If she couldn't have _Voyager_, and this was her home, he was what she wanted. Kathryn lay back on the blanket, staring up at Chakotay's confused and hopeful smile.

The sky was so perfectly blue behind his head, it was hard to imagine the green plasma lightning had even existed long enough to take away the chance they had to get home.

"Did you care that it couldn't fly?"

He leaned over her, one hand resting on her shoulder. Chakotay smiled and shook his head no. "I knew it flew. Imaginary ships don't need to be aerodynamic."

He was waiting, and she had to say something. Chakotay was patient; he'd never continue unless she made what she wanted abundantly clear.

Reaching up, she wound her fingers into the hair on the back of his head. Tugging him down, she sat partially up to kiss him. When she let herself fall back, he followed her, sticking with her lips as if they held the answers to the universe.

"Kathryn-"

Here was the protest. She flicked her tongue against his bottom lip, then wriggled herself so he was between her legs. The meaning was obvious and his dark eyes widened above her.

"You wanted me to let go. This is it, Chakotay. You and I, the space between us, that was the last thing I was holding on to."

For a moment, they both hung in limbo. Her confession had been brief, even crude. Truth often was.

Chakotay leaned down, running his hand from her shoulder, down her arm, and finally pausing on the outside of her thigh. Her other leg was beneath him and it almost hurt that she hadn't moved him directly over.

He opened his mouth, searching for words. Chakotay could have protested, stopping them from the release they both desperately needed. Thankfully, the only use he found for his mouth was to meet hers, which was perfect, because she wasn't sure what else she could have said. Without the responsibilities of _Voyager_ and the promise of home and Mark, Chakotay was exactly what she wanted.

So she took.

Tugging him down, guiding him over her, Kathryn kissed him hard enough to set the tone. It wasn't going to be sentimental. They could do that later, they had all the time in their lives for gentle.

She sucked his bottom lip, letting her teeth brush against the sensitive flesh. When the pressure of his chest wasn't enough on her breasts, she brought his hand to her left greedily.

He paused, breaking the crush of their lips.

It was long enough for her to whisper, "I won't break."

It wasn't that she wanted him to be rough, more that she didn't have the patience for slow, exploratory, emotional love-making. She wanted to fuck.

Running her hands heavily down his spine, Kathryn tugged up his shirt. Her long yellow tunic was easily squirmed out of, and now that he had the idea of the pace she wanted, Chakotay was definitely willing to take it at her speed. The more she pushed her hips into his, the greater the heat between them became.

Just kissing him had been enough to make him aroused; now she was going to make him burn. Kissing down his neck, Kathryn listened to him gasp and mentally marked the spot. His hands ran smoothly over the thin green fabric of the body suit she'd put on to wear for clean up. They both smelt of sweat, but new sweat was breaking on her skin, and the heat of the sun overhead was starting to pale in comparison to the heat of him.

Her fingers dropped to his belt. Dancing with the clasp, she tugged it free. When his mouth left hers, Kathryn licked her own lips. She could taste him over the familiar taste of herself, and she sought his mouth again to be sure. Chakotay's tongue returned her ardour, slipping deep into her mouth. Kathryn was already starting to pant, and she moaned a little just to encourage his fingers when they found the delicate little zipper down her back.

They rolled together, Kathryn pulling his brown leather vest away as he stopped kissing her long enough to tug her body suit down. The hot summer air caressed the sweat on the bare skin of her back. He snapped the catch of her bra free with practised fingers. Tugging the clinging green fabric down across her shoulders, he peeled both the suit and her bra free of her chest.

Chakotay kept his eyes on her face, all but ignoring that he'd just exposed the pink nipples and rounded curves of her breasts. She dropped down to his chest, pressing her breasts into the rough fabric of his shirt.

Holding the back of her head, he took over her mouth, nearly bruising her lips. Chakotay rolled her back beneath him, and the blanket rustled against the grass. Her hands slid his shirt up off his muscled chest. He toyed cruelly with one breast, pinching the nipple erect before he dropped his mouth to them and sucked.

The warm pull of his mouth coaxed a real moan from the back of her throat. One of his hands slipped lower and lower against the bare flesh of her stomach, before caressing her crotch through the maddening clothing that remained. The hard heel of his hand worked over and across, teasing her until her hips bucked up towards him. Kicking off her shoes, Kathryn began to tug her suit all the way off, but he stopped her.

"Let me."

His fingers slowed, turning reverent as he glided them across the smooth skin of her hips. Chakotay took her panties with the suit, and when he stopped around her ankles, her legs in his lap, she was almost entirely nude beneath the sky. The planet had her now, maybe it had both of them, and she didn't care as long as she had him.

Grabbing his hand, she dragged it up her inner thigh. Chakotay paused, fighting her just above the knee.

"Patience."

His voice was deep, nearly a growl, and that made the wet ache he'd left wanting that much more potent.

His trousers were off before Kathryn realised she'd been assisting him. His erection brushed her thigh, and she sighed. The pressure of his naked body above hers was exactly what she'd craved. She was with him, and the rest of the damn planet could go to hell with its plasma storms. She was safe, needed again, because he needed her. His fingers dove between her legs, chasing wetness up to roll across her clit.

Kathryn arched her back, nearly cracking from the sudden jump of pace. Her breath caught, then tore out of her throat. She caught his head and dragged him down so she could kiss him. Meshing their lips fiercely together, she pushed her hips up against his hand, panting as her head started to swim.

"You--"

She rasped the command as she reached down for his erect penis. Chakotay caught her hand and bent it back with her arm to the blanket. His whole body rubbed across hers, moving up, then down before he finally penetrated her in a single, smooth thrust. She arched up into him, crashing against his chest while he bent back her leg.

His hand left her clit, returning to tease her breast. With her leg safely tucked between her side and her arm, he pulled out to thrust back in again, this time deeper. He found her eyes, staring into her as he rocked over her. He crushed her breast once more against her chest. She tugged her hand, trying to free it so she could rake it along his back and pull him closer.

He kept it down, locking their fingers together, keeping that connection sacred as he thrust again into her. Rocking her hips to meet the heat of him, Kathryn's whimper turned into another moan. His chest grew slicker with sweat and he rolled her clit expertly between urgent fingers. Chakotay pushed her, driving her past where she would have begged him to stop, further than she thought he'd go. Her breath was a nanometer from sobbing in her chest as she arched up to meet him.

Orgasm didn't just take her, it broke her, splintering the last of her self control and scattering the pieces to the wind. Kathryn clung to his hand so hard her fingers were numb. Her nerves, from her teeth to her toes hummed as if they'd been released.

She was free.

When his lips became tender against hers again, Kathryn realised slowly, almost apologetically than she was only peripherally aware of his own climax. The wetness between her legs could have been hers, or the melding of both of them and she wouldn't have known the difference. He started to roll off but she held him, needing him to stay, if only long enough for her to be present again.

Chakotay obliged by rolling them both over. The edge of the blanket had grass beyond and she could feel part of her tunic crumpled beneath her leg.

He stoked her hair, fingers sliding easily over the sweat on her forehead before they vanished into her hair and the braid that she'd never felt come undone. He fished the tie from her hair and loosed it so it tumbled across the naked skin of her back.

"I'm so--"

He stopped her immediately, sitting up to kiss her and head off the apology.

"No apologies unless you didn't mean it."

Kathryn blinked down at him, losing herself in his dark eyes. Chakotay wasn't angry, accusing or even disappointed.

"Of course I-"

"Then don't apologise."

He took her head in both of his hands, smiling up with the kind of patience she'd never understand, let alone have.

"Kathryn, I love you. I would give you anything you asked for."

Pulling back, aching with guilt, she gasped when he flipped her back beneath him. Tangling her legs, he grinned wickedly.

"I even know that occasionally you can't ask."

"You love--"

"I love you."

No pretense, no hesitation and Kathryn couldn't find any words in her head. Her mouth was barely working as it was.

Chakotay kissed her, lazily drawing her thoughts from her without even needing to ask. He began to work his way down, pinning her to the blanket as the sun moved slowly on without them.  


* * *

"Do you anticipate Kathryn Janeway's return because you wish to leave your position as captain or will you find the position more difficult to relinquish than you originally thought?"

Count on Tuvok to get right to the point. Kate shrugged slightly and rested her hands in the void between her knees. She sat on the sofa next to him, watching the stars bring them back to Kathryn and Chakotay.

"Three weeks ago I would have kissed her for staying on board."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow but let her obvious exaggeration go without mention. He really did love her, in his stoic Vulcan way. Letting her be less than precise was his way of showing it.

"Maybe things have changed while they were down on the planet. I'm nearly her, and if I'd lost everything, my fiance, my crew, my ship- any chance of getting home..."

"You believe they have altered the parameters of their relationship?"

Kate glanced at the starlines outside her viewport as they took them closer and closer to Kathryn and Chakotay. The admission cost her nothing now. "I would have."

"And she is 'nearly' you?"

"We've been separate individuals for weeks, before that, I was her, she was me and we may have both been in love with him."

Both eyebrows up in surprise was as much of a reaction as she was going to get from Tuvok.

"It shouldn't be that much of a surprise. We've been thrown together, dependent on each other. We've been through more in just over a year than most crews go through in five. Every moment, of every day the entire ship depends on me to get us home, and somewhere along the way, I started to depend on him."

Her forehead ached, and she rubbed it as she lowered her head down into her hands.

"But there's a balance of power, rules, regulations..." Kate lifted her head, shaking it sadly. "The captain can't date her first officer. She can't wake up in bed next to him and send him on a suicide mission that afternoon. Captain Janeway can't risk that emotionally. Her crew has to come first."

"There is no reason to believe that Kathryn Janeway's feelings remain identical to yours. Perhaps her time on the planet has allowed her to see the potential for circumstances to be different. Love is an emotion most prised by humans. If she," Tuvok did her the courtesy of leaving her own feelings unmentioned, "wishes to begin a relationship with the commander, she may feel comfortable doing so. Particularly if there was no impropriety involved with her relationship with Mark Johnson."

 

Kate sighed as if _Voyager_ had landed on her chest. "I'm on the ship, Mark is my torch to carry."

"And the captaincy?"

She rested her chin on her hands, trying to imagine the conversation they were going to have as soon as Kathryn was back on board. "I suppose it depends how much we are of each other. Aren't you always the one reminding me I need to seek balance to find peace?"

"You do not seem to agree."

"I do listen, old friend." She patted his shoulder, deeply grateful for his counsel. "I just can't always follow the dictates of logic."

"I believe ability is not as much a factor as willingness."

"You mean I won't?" Smiling took the weight off of her chest and Kate stood. "Have I ever told you that you know me too well?"

* * *

"I want to show you something."

Chakotay rolled over, reaching for the data PADD he'd been keeping a secret for the last two days. He rested it on the bare skin of her stomach, kissing her breast. They'd rearranged the shelter, putting their beds together after the first night. Letting their lives become calm and domestic was surprisingly easy; even Kathryn Janeway had adapted to life together in a different light. Sex was more than a way to pass the time, or a distraction. It was connection. Something they'd fought on _Voyager_ because they feared the result was their salvation here. They gardened, they cooked and ate together. He built and dreamed and Kathryn, for the first time since he'd met her, seemed content.

She had to sit up slightly, the pillow beneath her shoulders, to read his data PADD properly.

"A boat?"

"You mentioned wanting to explore the river." Chakotay kissed the soft skin of her stomach as she lifted the PADD away and it became available. "I think I could build this. It won't be complicated, but it should be enough to let us take a few trips. Maybe even go camping."

"Chakotay, it's wonderful."

That light in her eyes always went right through him. "You won't be able to bring the bathtub."

Holding the PADD up over her head, she lifted her leg and allowed him into the space between her thighs. "I'll have the river."

When he kissed her, Kathryn dropped the PADD and brought her hands to his shoulders. It was far later in the day than they usually had breakfast, but the bed was warm and there were things on his mind far more pleasant than food.

Running his lips lazily down her neck, he'd just gotten that little sigh he loved when something crackled.

It wasn't the replicator, or a malfunctioning light. Kathryn had heard it too and she sat straight up. Her eyes went to the shelf where their communicators sat nearly forgotten.

The crackling noise came again, this time with a voice in it.

Her voice.

"_Voyager_ to...ryn...Jane...Ch..tay."

Neither of them breathed as the communicators reoriented themselves and got a better signal.

"_Voyager_ to Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay. Can you read me?"

Lifting the commbadge from the shelf, Kathryn smoothed off the dust with her hand. The sheet lay on her lap, and she was still naked behind the hand holding up the commbadge between them.

She tapped it and the chirp of activation shattered the quiet of the shelter. Kathryn swallowed; he saw her throat struggle.

"We're here _Voyager_."  


* * *

Neelix's welcome home party was in full swing. Sandrine's was so full that the party had spilled into holodeck two, which Tom had designed as a bar down the street. Or so he said. Kathryn doubted very much that an Andorian themed dance club was next to Sandrine's, but she could hardly hold back the celebration.

Chakotay had been missed fiercely by many of the Maquis. She'd thought there had even been tears in B'Elanna's eyes when he came back. Kes had cried when she embraced them both, and Kathryn envied her freedom.

She tapped her fingers on the half-empty flute of champagne. She'd drunk very little, even though it might have helped her smile. It was her ship, but it no longer felt like home. Home was a patch of tomato plants and the shelter Chakotay was always making nicer. She'd almost asked Kate to beam the new headboard, the one for a double bed, on board before she'd lost her nerve.

There would be no time for lazy mornings in bed, planning the rest of their lives. She'd have to be on the bridge, next to him, but not...

And she hated it.

Kathryn downed the last of her champagne, letting the warm bubbles assault her nose as it went down. She should get more. She needed to be able to smile at the crew and tell them how happy she was to be back. Of course she was happy. She was back on _Voyager_ and she was going home.

"It's better cold."

Her voice, but not her voice. Kate smiled and Kathryn half-hearted returned it. She couldn't fool herself. They'd both practised that smile in the mirror.

"Chakotay fakes it better."

Kathryn smirked and tried not to search the room for him. He'd been doing better from the moment they'd come back. He smiled at the right times; said the right things. Chakotay was the life of the party, warm and charming.

Startling her nearly enough to make her jump, Kate's hand closed on her shoulder.

"Why do I feel like I should be apologising for bringing you back."

"That's ridiculous." Kathryn protested, forcing her smile brighter. "We both belong here. We wouldn't have left anyone else behind."

"Have you had to practice saying that?"

The other her seemed about to laugh, but she held off politely.

"Maybe a little," Kathryn answered. "I am happy. I am."

Kate pressed fresh champagne into Kathryn's hands and pointed towards the door. "Take a walk with me, Captain."

There it was: the knife in her side that everyone kept twisting. We missed you, Captain. Welcome back, Captain. So good to see you, Captain.

Kate led her down the corridor, away from the party and into the quiet. "Neither of us is good at beating around the bush, so I'll cut to it. Something changed for you on that planet, didn't it?"

She could have lied to anyone else, even her mother, better than she could have lied to Kate. The other woman knew everything. Kathryn downed her champagne, swallowing it so fast her eyes stung. "It doesn't matter. I can't--"

"Bullshit."

Kathryn's eyebrow shot up. "Oh?"

"You can't get captain-untouchable on me. I've been there. I know exactly why you do it. Tell me you didn't have him with a straight face and I'll walk away, give you back your coffee cup and go back to the science lab like the good little shadow you that I've been."

The high point of yelling at oneself, was that they were exactly the same height. When Kathryn glared at her, letting her gaze sear into Kate's eyes. They could have been her own, and maybe that was why it had no effect.

"Just what are you implying?"

Kate laughed, shaking her head before she brought her eyes back to bear. "I don't have to imply, Kathryn, I know. I've looked at him and wondered just how far away seventy-five thousand light years is. What are we waiting for out here? A 'Dear John' letter from Mark when he meets someone else?"

She dropped her voice for a whisper and sealed them both into their coffin. "We love him. We've thought about asking him to our quarters and letting him take us so hard against the bulkhead that we'll ache the next day. We both had those thoughts. We both stared up at the ceiling of our quarters and wished our hands were his."

She lifted her glass to Kathryn and smiled without a trace of envy. Kathryn wasn't sure she could have.

"You went through with it and I love you for it. Yes, Kathryn, we're going home to Mark, and one of us has to wait for him. One of us has to be the captain. Instead of it being you, and you giving up the one thing we've wanted in the damn Delta Quadrant, let it be me."

She grabbed both of Kathryn's shoulders, begging her. Kate's voice, so confident before, now verged on the edge of tears. "Kathryn, for godsakes, let it be me. I've already lost him...I've already buried my crew. I can't die a little each day because I have to sit next to Chakotay on the bridge and remember what it was like to have him inside me. I've already done that. I'm redundant, surplus- The other Kathryn Janeway..."

"Let me do this for you. Let me be the captain, so you can be the real Kathryn Janeway. If you can't do that, then be with him for me." Kate's voice finally cracked and she choked as she finished. "You don't want to know what it's like to lose him, wondering what you could have had."

Kathryn lacked Kate's control. While her mirror image had managed to hold back her tears, Kathryn's escaped and ran down her cheek as if they each had a mind of their own.

"What if I- like Justin- I can't--"

"We won't. You won't." Kate hugged her, holding her so tightly that it took her breath. "I won't let you."  


* * *

 

Two days later, they had their first staff meeting in their new positions. Kate sat at the head of the table, still feeling slightly out of place in her red uniform. No one but her knew it; they trusted her. Chakotay was in excellent spirits and everyone was glad to have him back. B'Elanna sat across from him; Harry, Tom, Neelix, Tuvok and Kes filled the rest of the table all the way around to her new science officer.

Chakotay was right. Blue suited them both. Kathryn still forgot, occasionally, that she wasn't the captain but they'd all grow accustomed to it in time. A little accidental insubordination might be good for her. Kate knew it would keep her on her toes.

She was getting up to leave, putting her thoughts in order before she went back to the bridge. She thought everyone else was gone, and she'd been surprised to see Chakotay and Kathryn at the door.

He smiled, and she smirked back. His hand found the small of her back, and they left together. Kate allowed herself a moment of envy; she'd never walk that path, but she had _Voyager_, and a crew to get home.

She'd do that here, in this universe, for everyone, Kathryn's living crew and her own dead one. After all, she was the captain, and she belonged to her crew.


End file.
